Equinox (Star Trek)
by LuckyLuckyClover
Summary: The Romulan mission has just ended, and Pavel Chekov finds himself unable to cope with guilt over the death of Spock's mother. With late nights and little sleep, along with constant input from Dr. McCoy, Pavel thinks he's going insane. Hikaru Sulu is trying to help him realise what is really important, but after all that has happened, he fears it may be too late.
1. Chapter 1

Equinox (Star Trek)

Pavel wakes up in the middle of the night for the third time this week. It's that same dream, that same one image that's haunting him. Spock's hand outstretched towards the empty transporter pad. The blank screen of the transporter room monitor still burns his eyes like the day he saw the words 'terminated' printed in red next to the dot where Spock's mother would have been. He hasn't looked Spock in the eyes since. As much as he wants to, he simply can't.

The cold water in the sink is only going to keep Pavel awake but he doesn't care. He doesn't want to sleep if it means seeing Spock's sad face again. It's the only time he has ever seen Spock show emotion; he hopes it's the last.

Hikaru Sulu is still asleep while Pavel takes his PADD from the charger. Sulu sleeps soundly most nights, Pavel envies him a little. Sulu was probably touched more by the Romulan incident than he was. One of his friends was on the Farragut. Pavel didn't know anyone directly but he's still haunted by the thought of how easily it could have been him. If his marks were slightly lower or if there was someone in the class who was particularly better he mightn't be standing there in the dark feeling his way back to his bed. He waits until Sulu has stopped stirring to let the dim light of the PADD fill the room. His screen saver unsurprisingly a photo he took of space the first time he went there. The moon is dim in the corner and although he is no photographer he's pretty proud of the picture. It's such a dorky thing to do but he doesn't care really.

He checks through his mail, most of which is junk, and does anything he can to pass the time. It's only 3:13 in the morning, he's more used to waking up an hour or so later. It always seems to be 4:00 or so when he wakes up, the extra hour to pass is nearly a cruel joke. He puts the PADD down a few minutes later and rubs his red eyes. He can't help but dread that nights like these won't stop.

Pavel's only seventeen and it seems to give Leonard McCoy a reason to baby him. Pavel doesn't need to be looked after, he's done a reasonable job himself for most of his life. One of the perks or being smart, most people assume you're fine on your own. The excessively bright lights of medbay sting Pavel's eyes a little more. He hopes McCoy won't be on duty but he knows he's not that lucky. He's right.

McCoy looks as if he has been anticipating arrival, and for the most part he has. Since everything that happened with the Narada the number of people in medbay has sky rocketed. Even James Kirk had been in a few times for sleeping pills and other medication to soothe his nerves. McCoy raises an eyebrow when he sees Pavel, he acknowledges the doctor with a silent nod and takes a seat in the waiting area. The doctor doesn't let him sit down for long before pulling himself into his office.

"Sleep?" he asks, checking his watch and rummaging through a cupboard above his desk. Pavel nods and slumps into the chair adjacent his and rubs his temples. He is starting to get a strong headache. The doctor passes him a packet with about twelve little pink pills in them.

"Make sure you take them just before you go to bed, make sure you've eaten something. Don't drink or operate heavy machinery, yeah, yeah you get the idea. What's making you restless?"

Pavel sighs, he just wanted the pills, not a discussion about it. "Just nightmares," he mutters submissively, going to stand up. McCoy glares him back into his seat and sits on his desk, crossing his arms. Pavel buries his head in his hands and takes a deep breath. "Spock's mother, if I would have-"

"We've been over this, there is nothing you could have done. No one blames you Chekov. Not even Spock, and he can't lie."

Pavel's bottom lip quivers as he thinks about it. He knows he can't talk about what happened without crying, McCoy knows that too. McCoy places and a hand on his back and lets him stand up, wiping his eyes on the back of his sleeve. "Try and get some sleep okay kid?" Pavel nods but he and the doctor both know it's not going to happen.

Classes are blissful for Pavel, he can finally take his mind off that face for more than a minute and loose himself in math equations, something he knows he can't screw up as easily. The class is freakishly empty and it makes Pavel feel a little ill looking at all the empty seats that were earlier filled with students just like him. His professor had asked him on a few occasions now if he was okay, and if he needed to take a few days off. Pavel had so far declined every offering. He needed his maths to keep him in at least some degree of sanity. He curses under his breath as he rubs out of half of the equation he has gotten wrong. His focus is nowhere near as good as it used to be. His mind just can't stay in the one place and his thoughts are cluttered. He just wants the class to end so he can go back to his room and try and sleep.

Pavel walks briskly back to his dorm, he doesn't know why but he feels like there's something he needs to avoid. As he turns a corner he realises why. Spock is standing there, talking with a general that Pavel doesn't recognise. His cheeks start burning as he makes an accidental eye contact with Spock. For a split second, he swears he can see that pain again. That same look from the transporter pad. Pavel doesn't know if he has imagined it but as soon as he sees it he flees in the opposite direction, practically running from a slightly confused Spock.

Hikaru hadn't bothered with classes that day and when Pavel bursts through the door, teary eyes and breathless, he's glad he didn't. Pavel doesn't look up, his eyes are glued to the floor as he practically throws his bag on the bed and rushes into the bathroom. Hikaru looks confused for a second as if he has imagined it but after everything that has gone on recently he's not super surprised. Everyone is a little on edge lately. Hikaru knocks gently at the door but receives no kind of reply. Pavel is gasping for air next to the toilet bowl, quite sure he's not far from being sick. He pulls his red cadet jacket off and tosses it to the floor beside him, holding his chest as it fills with air, yet remains empty.

Half an hour passes and Pavel refuses to leave the bathroom. Partially out of his continuing nausea and partially because he hates looking like an idiot in front of Sulu. On the other side of the bathroom door, Sulu is sitting down quietly, waiting for Pavel to talk to him or open the door.

"Chekov? Please talk to me, I'm not going to judge you or anything, I'm just worried."

There's still no reply.

"Please don't make me call McCoy."

The thought is enough to make Pavel open the door, almost making Sulu tip backwards. Sulu stands up quickly and searches his eyes for some kind of answer. There's nothing there.

"I just felt a little sick. I'm fine." Pavel quickly lies, trying to gently push past the tall Asian man.

Sulu puts his hand gently on his shoulder and guides him over to the couch where Pavel sits submissively. Hikaru sits down beside him.

"What happened?" Sulu asks quietly. He has been good friends with Pavel for a while now, they weren't roommates until after the drill incident, but it feels like longer than two months has passed since then.

"You remember Spock's mother?" Pavel basically whispers. Sulu nods. "I keep having nightmares about seeing Spock's face and today I saw him and-"

Pavel stops there as the tears make his throat close in and his eyes start dripping. At 17, Hikaru knows Pavel is way too young to deal with the feeling of guilt over the death of Spock's mother.

"Pavel it's not your fault you know that and-"

Sulu is cut off by Pavel bursting into tears. He starts sobbing for Spock but partially for the hatred of people constantly telling him it's not his fault. It is and he knows it, he was too slow and is maths had failed him, that's what he keep telling himself. Why was he still even at Starfleet? The same thing would inevitably happen. He wipes more tears from his eyes and lays back against the lounge, wishing he had never left Russia.

"You saved me you know," Sulu mutters quietly after Pavel has calmed down a bit. "You saved me from that drill. You caught me. Your face was the first one I saw when I realised I hadn't died."

The corners of Pavel's lips flick up a little after hearing this. He felt bad for basically pushing the ensign stationed there aside, but saving Jim Kirk and Sulu was one of the best feelings he had ever had. It didn't last long. Sulu pushes himself up off the couch and moves into the kitchen and fills a glass with water.

"You want a drink?" He calls out to Pavel.

"I'm fine, thank you," he said quietly. They both know he isn't fine.


	2. Chapter 2

Pavel skips classes for a few days, which is both a good and bad thing. He can't distract himself as easily but he gets time to himself, something he keeps trying to ignore. The messy teenage version of himself shines through when he isn't studying, something he was glad he had forgotten. Sulu doesn't stay in the room for long periods of time, he's not trying to avoid Pavel but he just doesn't know to talk to him anymore. Since his breakdown, Pavel has basically stopped talking and his bright happy mood that Sulu had seen on the bridge has completely disappeared. Pavel stops eating regularly and he skips most of his meals. He doesn't really need to say in the classes because he's got such a good grip on the content already, but his all professors have started questioning him. It's only making him crazier.

Three weeks pass and Hikaru can't take it anymore, calling McCoy into the room while Pavel has a shower. He knows Pavel will protest, he already has to any kind of help anyone has offered. The sleeping tablets McCoy gave him are helping a little but he still wakes up at least once a fortnight in a cold sweat. He manages to get a frightening amount done at 0300 hours.

Pavel scowls as soon as he sees McCoy. He knows it's some kind of intervention and he isn't happy about it in the slightest. He pulls his shirt on and pushes past the two of them, not saying anything.

"Chekov," McCoy says firmly. "You can't keep living like this. You know that what happened with Spock's mother isn't your fault. No one blames you, okay kid?"

Pavel doesn't say anything. He doesn't know what to say, but he has too much to say.

"Would it help you if you actually talked to Spock?" Hikaru asks quietly, instantly getting a no from the Russian. He can't face Spock again, Hikaru can see what it did to him last time.

McCoy sits downs next to Pavel and tries to look him in the eyes. Pavel looks away.

"You know kid, that mightn't be a bad idea. You can't really heal until you've gotten some kind of closure."

Pavel is silent again. Deep down he knows it's not a bad idea.

Doctor McCoy is nothing but a sneaky bastard in Pavel's mind. He is called into McCoy's office, apparently for some more medication, and Spock is sitting at the end of the doctor's desk. Pavel feels sick in the stomach as he basically gets pushed into the seat beside Spock's. He already feels like crying and he hasn't said a word yet.

"I'm sorry to spring this on you Chekov, but trust me, you need this." McCoy shuts the door and leaves Spock and Chekov sitting there alone. There's an awkward silence for what feels like way longer than ten seconds.

"The doctor has informed me that you are struggling with guilt over the death of my mother..." Chekov says nothing. "Ensign, I do not blame you for what happened to her." Pavel's eyes are watering at this stage. Everything he has been pushing away is slowly coming back to him. "Ensign?" Spock asks quietly.

"Spock, I-" Pavel can't continue. "I'm so so sorry I couldn't…"

Spock studies his face. "May I?" he asks quietly, raising three fingers towards Pavel's face. He looks up, slightly alarmed, questioning if Spock is trying to hurt him in some way. It's not in a Vulcan's nature to be violent but he wouldn't be surprised if Spock wanted to.

Spock presses his cold fingers against Pavel's forehead and there are some flashing lights behind his eyes. Pavel gasps but can't move. He has no idea what is happening to him. His eyes close and he flashes back to the moment he saw Spock with his hand outstretched towards an empty transporter pad. The look of devastation lingers before switching to when Pavel was younger, following his own mother through the streets of Russia. He was only five at the time and he saw his mother leave the house, so naturally he followed. His mother stopped at a small bridge near the town and jumped off. Spock lets go, partially in shock, partially out of courtesy. Pavel sits back, breathing heavily and clutching the chair so hard his knuckles turn white. He looks over at Spock, wide-eyed and shaking.

"You saw that?"

Spock nods. Pavel starts crying. All he can imagine is Spock's mother falling like his own mother did. Falling and falling, but he doesn't dare imagine the end. Spock sits in silence, for once not knowing what to do in how to comfort Pavel. Pavel's hands hold tightly onto his curls as if he's trying to keep his own mind together. McCoy knocks on the door, and Spock stands to open it, hoping that the doctor might have some kind of idea what to do. McCoy seems to know that this is what would happen and he passes Pavel a box of tissues. Pavel takes and handful and shoves them over his dripping eyes.

It takes a long while for Pavel to calm down. McCoy refuses to dismiss him until he can 'talk' to Spock but Pavel has nothing he particularly wants to say. They sit in the room in silence for long periods of time with McCoy occasionally trying to start a conversation. The doctor eventually gives in and sends Pavel back to his dorm, making him schedule another meeting with Spock another date. Pavel and the doctor both know he won't show up.

It's late when he finally gets back to the dorm and Sulu is already asleep. Pavel is pretty grateful and quietly slips into the shower, staying in there for nearly an hour. It's one in the morning when he finally crawls into bed and he falls asleep after a good ten minutes of solid sobbing into his pillow. He misses his mother, he hates doctor McCoy and he doesn't want to have to see Spock ever again.

Sulu wakes Pavel up in the morning, asking him if he wants to go out for breakfast. Pavel tries to decline politely but Sulu knows he hasn't eaten for a while and he needs to start eating again. Pavel eats a lot at the cafeteria and Sulu avoids mentioning anything about it. The cafeteria itself is quiet and pretty lonely but it's nice in a weird sorta way. A lot of people avoid the cafeteria because of all the memories of their friends in other ships there. There are still a few flower bouquets and cards around the place.

Pavel slowly starts joining back to his classes and he gets a few weird looks from people. The professors welcome him back as if he hasn't been avoiding class for weeks now. He can get back into the work easily enough. He'll have to study more than he already is but he knows he has to catch up. He questions why he's still studying when he knows he won't have the courage to go back to space and try again anytime soon. A few of his professors go to mention this but decide that Pavel probably has enough going through his mind. They're right.

Hikaru starts trying to get Pavel back into a daily schedule of eating, sleeping and studying as subtly as he can. Pavel sees right through what he's doing and tries to decline all of his requests politely. Hikaru Sulu is not one to give up easily and eventually gets Pavel back to three solid meals a day. McCoy tries to commend Pavel for getting things back on track but he ignores it. He knows he's not living, he's just not dying.

An opportunity for Pavel to go back into space comes up and McCoy starts hassling him about it before too long. Pavel's email is inundated with messages from the doctor and occasionally from his professors to consider the program. The academy is looking for a group of about 20 young students for an away mission to Delta Vega, a remote planet on the edge of the galaxy where James Kirk was sent to after his fight with Spock. They want some people to research into Scotty's theories on trans-warp beaming. Pavel knows he'd probably enjoy the study and the change of scenery, and working with Scotty. He's an amazing engineer and Pavel is quite a fan of his work. They've had a few conversations together since he was stationed back at Starfleet HQ.

Four days later Pavel runs into Scotty, who essentially tells him he's going on the trip or else. The jokes that he makes about the people who have applied give him a sense of closeness to the engineer. He reminds Pavel a little of his father in the way that he speaks with such enthusiasm for mechanics. Scotty's desperate to get away from rebuilding the enterprise for a while at least. The long days are doing his head in and Pavel knows the feeling. Scotty sends him a form and guarantees that if Pavel sends the form in he'll be part of the team. Pavel can't help but grin and drafts an application later that night.

Hikaru is a decent chef and is almost always the one to cook dinner when they're not too tired to just replicate it. Pavel has absolutely no cooking skill and can't cook toast without burning it. Hikaru makes some kind of Japanese curry for dinner and insists that Pavel eats it with chopsticks. Most of the curry rice ends up on Pavel's shirt and Hikaru laughs at him for most of the night, trying not to enjoy the frustrated pouts he makes when the food falls back into the bowl. Pavel eventually finished the curry about twenty minutes after Sulu and goes to wash all the curry off his face.

Sulu washes up while Pavel is in the shower. He knows Pavel would probably help him but he still feels sorry for him and babies him a little. Sulu didn't like the idea of having Pavel as a roommate at first. There were rumours about him going around the academy at some stage. He was the alleged smart ass kid from Russia, and one of Sulu's friends said he'd always be putting his hand up and answering the questions in class. The lecturers loved him and all the recruitment officers had high hopes for his future. Sulu puts down the last of the dishes and sits back down on the couch. The shower stopped a minute or two ago and Pavel gets out with one towel around his waist and the other drying his curly hair. His hair goes several shades darker and droops around his face when it's wet. Hikaru smirks when he sees Pavel and goes back to watching his news program. Pavel goes into his room and lies on the bed, not bothering with clothes. The bed is cold and comforting in a way. He closes his eyes for a few minutes and just thinks, trying not to let himself think too much about what he feels is his deteriorating mental state. He doesn't get up for a while, but for once he feels he doesn't need to.


	3. Chapter 3

Pavel's mental state is like a roller coaster in the lead up to the away mission and going back to space. Anxiety doesn't take long to set in and he ends up in nervous tears for more nights in a row than he can admit to himself. Pavel thinks Sulu doesn't seem to pick up on it but he definitely does. He isn't entirely sure how to help so he tries talking to Pavel about it but it only seems to make him more nervous. Scotty seems to be the only one who can distract Pavel from the fear of re-entering space.

The shuttle craft into space makes Pavel feel sick and makes Scotty complain the whole ride. The group has been spilt into two because of the shuttle sizes and Scotty fears that at least one group will get lost. Pavel is only half listening to his rants. He feels sicks partially from the bumpy space craft but mainly from nerves. He didn't get a chance to say goodbye to Sulu in the morning and it is starting to make him feel guilty. It might be a while before he sees him again. They aren't entirely sure how long the mission will be for but Scotty predicted somewhere close to two months. Pavel pulls out his PADD and types a quick message to Sulu apologising for not being able to say goodbye. He feels guilty and starts thinking about the possibility of not coming back from Delta Vega in one piece. It's a harsh environment with a lot of ravenous creatures just waiting for young fragile ensigns who can't run fast enough.

Pavel keeps thinking about death when Scotty pokes him in the side, gesturing out the window. The earth is glowing and beautiful and for a few minutes, Pavel forgets everything that has happened and remembers exactly why he joined Starfleet in the first place. He feels alive again and Scotty sees the energy and hope in his bright blue eyes and smiles. He knows he has made the right decision in bringing Pavel along.

It takes a few hours to get to the space station and another few days to reach Delta Vega travelling at warp 2. He enjoys spending his time with Scotty and the rest of the engineering ensigns. Some of them have no idea what they're doing but some of them are absolutely hilarious. It's nice not doing anything for a few days and just playing cards and tinkering with machine parts. Pavel was going to go into engineering but something made him want to try navigating. Now not going into engineering is his biggest regret for more reason than one.

Delta Vega is 'fucking cold' according to one of the other head engineers but Pavel can only laugh rather than agree. He is well accustomed to the cold from his chilly home in Russia but Delta Vega is something altogether. They have to take precautions to avoid frostbite and the two-hour trek up to the base on the mountains is absolute hell. Pavel's legs are like jelly from not moving much in the past few days. Scotty's hilarious mumbling and complaining makes the trek a little more tolerable for the group of twenty and a few of the guys try to start singalongs. The group is mainly human and mainly male. Pavel doesn't even try to sing, his lungs are icy and sore without any more exertion than necessary.

Just before they reach the base someone trips over and ends up with a huge cut across their hand and down their wrist. The blood across the ice makes Pavel feel ill though he doesn't say anything. Scotty and the woman's friend put her arm into a sling with some fabric and walk with her carefully the rest of the way. The base is considerably warmer and pretty nice. Pavel has to share a room with two other people, one of which he assumes will be Scotty and the other guy whose only comment was 'fucking cold'.

Four days into the away mission Pavel finally gets enough connection to receive a reply back from Sulu. It's a short message just about what's going on back on earth, nothing too exciting. Pavel smiles and quickly sends back a reply, not knowing when he'll get another chance to. Scotty walks in and throws his stuff down on the bed and collapses on top of it.

"Ya know what? PE was my worst subject in high school. I joined Star Fleet to _avoid_ any kind of physical activity. And now they want me to go for another casual stroll through the freezing mountains. I'm tellin' ya Chekov these people are _mad_. Completely _mad._ "

Pavel grins as Scotty continues his story, unpacking his things as he does so. The other guy in the room has fallen asleep and Pavel wonders if Scotty has even realised. Five minutes later he concludes that this guy can sleep like the dead. Pavel doesn't bother with dinner that night regardless of how hungry he is. He just can't be bothered and falls asleep still in his clothes. Scotty gives them all the day off the next day even though Star Fleet is meant to have them on a strict schedule. The majority of people do nothing but sleep for the day and Pavel wants to do the same, but the bed gives him a weird vibe for some reason. He unpacks most of his things and checks out the base. It's a nice base, and reasonably spacious considering they're in the middle of nowhere. It's weird to think that this space on top of a mountain will be his home for a while.

Scotty works them all hard for the first week. They're up early and writing reports until the early hours of the morning. The food is pretty terrible and only gives Scotty something else to complain about. Before Scotty was on the Enterprise he has the same problem with food on Delta Vega. Starfleet reluctantly agreed to increase the food quality but Scotty remains nowhere near satisfied.

The hard days and nights don't give Pavel much time to think, and this seems to do wonders for him for the first while. He's not cured, that's for sure. Scotty has had to basically pull Pavel out of the bed once or twice, but he feels better as a whole. He messages Sulu every day, normally once at lunch time and then again before he goes to bed. Sulu reckons nothing interesting has happened while he's been gone but a few of the other guys there have heard of Jim Kirk starting a punch up along with another incident of stolen medical equipment.

McCoy tries to video call Pavel every now and again but Pavel just lets it ring out and sends him an apology message later. He knows McCoy is just going to hassle him or give him the "I told you so" speech. He doesn't know which one is worse. He asks Hikaru to vouch for him because he knows McCoy will ask if Pavel has messaged him. Pavel doesn't want to admit it but he misses Hikaru, quite a lot. Hikaru just seems to know him, it's like he knows how he's feeling before he feels it. The guys at the base camp are all nice, but they're also all very loud and Pavel needs his own space. He's found a small room near the main engineering sector where there are no people and he can just sit quietly and enjoy the gentle hums of the generators. It seems to be a small unused broom cupboard or something of the sorts. It's not much, but it servers its purpose.

Hikaru receives no messages from Pavel for a few days and it freaks him out a little because he is normally very diligent with messages and such a delayed responses have never really been a problem. McCoy doesn't receive anything from him either for a while. McCoy asks around a little and no one in the team has sent or received any messages in the past few days which is both a good and a bad thing. It means Pavel isn't just in a mood, but it also means that something could be wrong at the base.


	4. Chapter 4

Another week passes with no messages and Hikaru starts freaking out. He checks his PADD obsessively every few minutes and even tries to get into contact with some of the people up in the Starfleet ranks to see if they know anything. McCoy can see Hikaru stress in every message his sends to the doctor asking if he's heard anything yet. They're not even meant to be on the mission for much longer but Hikaru really doesn't want to go another two weeks without knowing what's happening to Pavel. There are a tonne of dangerous creatures on Delta Vega and Scotty did mention that the cold could cause problems for the machinery. He worries about Pavel and he really doesn't trust his ability to cope in bad situations. He's a smart kid, there's no doubt about that but Hikaru still wonders if he would really be able to think if his life was at stake.

It's nearly 3:00 in the morning when Hikaru's PADD buzzes gently. It's just enough to wake him up and for a moment he think he's imagined it. There's a message from the screen and he opens it sleepily, hoping it's not another message from McCoy. The message takes a while to load but it's a message from Pavel. Hikaru sits up and rubs his eyes, trying ot make sense of the bright screen. More messages start coming through. Dating back to when they first lost contact. Most of them are asking if he had gotten the messages and the rest are about how Scotty thinks something is messing a little with their satellite. As more messages flood in it turns out the main receptors had frozen over at the base. Hikaru never expected Pavel to complain about the cold but even he admits it is freezing there.

Messages are slow over the next few days but Hikaru gets a lot of photos and video messages to make up for it. They try video calling but the connection is terrible and it drops out every thirty seconds. McCoy does ending up saying his 'I told you' lecture but over four or five not so passive aggressive paragraphs. Pavel just replies with 'Okay.' He knows the doctor is going to get pissed at him when he gets back but for the moment he's safe on Delta Vega.

Connection goes quiet again for a while and come back online when Pavel back on the way to earth. He can finally video chat Hikaru but seeing him and hearing his voice is the weirdest thing ever. Pavel hasn't had a haircut in nearly 6 weeks and his hair has grown to basically a full afro. He's started to develop a patchy beard as well, something he has received relentless teasing for it amongst the other guys.

"Pavel's finally hit puberty has he?" was one of his favourite ones.

Pavel ends up video calling Hikaru for nearly three hours and by the end of it his cheeks hurt a little from laughing and grinning. It's pretty late at night Hikaru's time and Pavel's surprised that he stayed up for so long talking to him. He really missed Hikaru. He only realises it now but he really _really_ missed him.

As soon as the shuttle lands Pavel basically jumps off it. Hikaru said he'd come pick him up, but Pavel has no idea where. He wanders he shuttle terminal for a while until he finds some kind of small strip of cafes where he can sit down and message Hikaru. Pavel waits quietly for his PADD to connect and taps his feet gently against the table. The chair next to him shifts and Hikaru sits down beside him. Pavel grins and wrapped his arms around Hikaru. For a second, Pavel feels something different. He can't explain it, and it's only there for a fraction of a second but it's something strange. He lets go and grins at the Asian man.

"I'm alive he says proudly."

"I noticed," Hikaru mutters back, rolling his eyes a little.

The dorm is exactly as it was when Pavel left, but it seems to have lost the sad aura that he had associated with it. It's the same room, but not the place. It's nice and cool and fresh almost. Pavel throws his bag down on the floor and falls onto his bed, breathing slowly and appreciating how soft the Starfleet dorm beds are. Hikaru closes the door and plugs his PADD into the charger and sits down on his bed, grinning at Pavel. Pavel rolls over and buries his face into the pillow, realising how jetlagged he really is.

Starfleet is not gentle on it's officers and makes the Delta Vega team report in the morning after they get back at 0600 hours. Pavel considers skipping it and getting a note from McCoy but he has a feel he's going to get a rant from the doctor because of his lack of communication on Delta Vega. The report is boring and tedious, everyone there is still extremely jetlagged and the generals get a look of dirty looks and sarcasm from the crew. Scotty does the majority of the talking while Pavel just sits there and pretends to pay attention. He's thinking about getting breakfast with Hikaru and then going back to sleep for the rest of the day. Halfway through the meeting there is a small break and a few of the important people leave and some join. Spock is amongst the people arriving and Pavel considers leaving to go the bathroom and not returning. The Vulcan doesn't notice him at first but it's awkward when he finally does. Pavel manages a curt nod towards him, making as little eye contact as possible.

Pavel leaves as soon as the meeting is over but Spock catches up to him with little effort. It's awkward for the first few seconds where no one says anything and Spock seems to have lost his train of thought, which is a weird coming from a Vulcan.

"Ensign Chekov," Spock says firmly. "I believe you found your experience on Delta Vega a positive one?"

Pavel nods and swallows uncomfortably. "Yeah it was good. I learnt a lot about engineering and Scotty is a really good mentor."

"Mr. Scott's skills in engineering seem to be unmatched. I wish to enquire about your mental state. I believe I, to use the human term, 'crossed a line,' in our last meeting. I felt it necessary to apologise, however you left for Delta Vega before I had the chance to speak to you again. I feel this is not an issue to address via online communications either. Am I correct in assuming that I made you uncomfortable?"

Pavel is a little taken aback by his comment and stumbles over his words a little in trying to get his thoughts out. It's too early in the morning for this.

"I – I don't know. A little I guess, but I know you probably didn't mean it…"

The Vulcan studies him a little, deciding what to say. "Ensign, I did not intend to pry so much into your personal life. I should have explained to you what I was doing prior to acting. For that I am sincerely apologetic."

"Its fine sir, I know you did not mean to. I understand that you were trying to help."

Pavel's comment sounds very insincere but he has no idea what else to say.

"I believe we should have a discussion some other time. I notice you did not show up to our last scheduled meeting."

Pavel's face reddens. "I am sorry about that commander. I mean this with as little disrespect as possible, but I don't find it very easy to talk to you." He regrets the words as soon as he says them and scolds himself mentally. "I-I didn't mean because of who you are as a person of course- I just meant after all that has happened and… Yeah…" Pavel feels like a huge idiot, and resists the urge to run his hand through his hair in frustration.

"I understand what you mean Ensign. Please do not allow it to worry you."

Pavel nods. "I'll ask McCoy to schedule another meeting. I assure you I'll be there this time."

"Until then Ensign." Spock says monotonously. Pavel nods and waits a few second for Spock to head off before going back to his dorm.


	5. Chapter 5

Hikaru's still asleep when Pavel gets back. He wonders how the Asian can sleep for so long when it's this bright and he's already slept well past the recommended 8 hours. Pavel starts work on one of his assessments for his physics class. He understands the majority of it despite being away and it makes him feel the slightest bit more self-confident. He can hear Sulu get up and wonder into the shower. For a split second Pavel thinks about sharing the shower with him but he quickly tries to dismiss it. He tries to pull his mind back to physics. _Why is he thinking of his friend like that_? He's annoyed at himself for being an idiot. Pavel's never put much thought into which gender he was into. Female? Male? Neither? Both? He had no clue. He had a girlfriend back in Russia in middle school but she dumped him after about two weeks. He wasn't sure that technically counted.

Sulu coming into the kitchen interrupts his chain of thought.

"How was the meeting?" Hikaru asks, pouring himself some juice.

"Good morning to you too," Pavel laughs. "It was pretty boring. I ran into Commander Spock after…"

Hikaru's face hardens a little. "Oh. How did that go? Are you alright?"

"Yeah I'm fine," he says dismissing the question. "He apologised for the last meeting."

"The mind-meld thing?"

"Yeah. I think I just made things more awkward but it wasn't as bad as the last times at least."

"Yeah well you're not locking yourself in the bathroom," he grins. "That's probably a good start."

Pavel rolls his eyes light-heartedly. The embarrassment over that still stings him a little. "Want to go out for breakfast? I'll shout for you?"

Hikaru starts laughing and Pavel has no idea why. "It's just 'shout you,' not shout for me. It's like you're saying you're going to cheer me on or something."

Pavel's face flushes red. His English is good, but not quite perfect yet. He still can't shake his thick Russian accent despite the issues it causes him on the ship. He still remembers the smirks he got when he couldn't get into the ship wide com-cast.

"I'm sorry," he says, unsure of what else to say.

"Don't be," Sulu smiles. "Your English is very impressive considering you grew up in Russia. I've lived here my whole life and I still can't spell for shit."

Pavel grins and turns his PADD off. Sulu goes and puts some proper clothes and Pavel makes a start on unpacking his bag. They weren't allowed to take much but he hasn't sorted through any of the clothes that got wrecked in the hike. Pavel was meant to buy more clothes once he moved to San Francisco but he never got around to it and the money from his aunt is still in an envelope in one of his Russian books.

Sulu chooses some burger place half an hours walk from the campus, by the time they finish eating, Pavel is glad it's so far away. They can barely finish the meal and they're probably put on a good kilo or two each. Pavel used to be quite into exercising back in Russia, it was some of the only social interaction he got with kids his own age. They're not even halfway back to the dorms and Pavel feels like he's at least worked off some one the bacon he had.

Sulu ends up racing Pavel the last block back to the dorm. Pavel wins easily and laughs as Hikaru tries to catch his breath on a park bench. The Russian sits down beside him and lets his lungs fill with air. He forgets how much he enjoys running. Hikaru on the other hand, forgets how much he hates running. Fencing. Now there's a real sport. He was always sword fighting as a kid and his father tried to get him into kendo, but it really wasn't the same as fencing. Hikaru thinks back to the Romulans on the drill he fought with. Fencing was never meant to be a violent sport. Using it to kill someone really made him question his ethics. Was he a murderer? Was he a bad person? Was he going to hell? Pavel can see the concern plastered on the Asians face and nudges his side gently.

"You okay, you seem a little-"

"Yeah I'm fine," he laughs. "Just thinking."

Pavel knows he's not. He knows he's covering something up, but he also knows he should probably leave it be for the time being.

"Race you back to the dorm?" the Asian asks. Pavel nods. "Okay 3, 2-" Sulu is off before he can continue and Pavel laughs, swearing at him in Russian.


	6. Chapter 6

Spock schedules another meeting with McCoy, and for once, Pavel doesn't consider _not_ going. He still feels guilty beyond imagination but part of him is reassured by their last meeting. He genuinely feels that the Vulcan is not angry at him and it makes things easier when the meeting does roll around. Things seem the slightest bit more even now that Spock knows what happened to Pavel's mother all those years ago. McCoy seems surprised to see Pavel not only there for the meeting but on time as well. He raises an eyebrow at him and lets him inside without saying anything overly sarcastic.

The Vulcan arrives exactly at 0900 hours and sits down beside Pavel, nodding curtly as he does so. McCoy starts with just asking how Pavel's week has been and how the trip was. He answers honestly and briefly explains his meeting with Spock after the Delta Vega meeting. The doctor nods and seems to be subtly pleased with their progress. He continues with questions and discussions for a while and lets them both go after about an hour. Spock doesn't end up saying much altogether, and Pavel's not entirely sure why. He decides it's probably best no to comment. He hope's he is wrong, but he definitely feels that something is not quite right.

Pavel's daydreaming as he opens the door to his dorm and almost doesn't notice Sulu lip locked with a girl on the couch. He snaps back to reality and opens his mouth in slight shock. The girl is straddling Hikaru and both of them seem too busy to notice Pavel coming in. His awkwardness sets in and he has no idea what to do, is he meant to leave? Are they meant to stop? He puts his bag quietly down on the table, pulls out his PADD and leaves, still certain they didn't even notice him come in. He heads to the library and tries to study by himself for a while. He doesn't get a huge amount done and he keeps thinking back to Hikaru and the girl. He feels awkward about the whole thing and doesn't know when he can go back to his own room. He's a little scared he's going to walk in on something worse if he goes back anytime soon.

Three hours pass and Hikaru still hasn't answered his messages. He only asked if they had any milk left, something reasonably unsuspicious but just enough so that he knows he's not busy with the girl still. Pavel has been listening to Scotty complain in the engineering bay while he waits and as funny as it is, he's hungry and sore and wants to go back to his own room. Scotty suggests he just goes back and 'if they're mid-fucking so be it.' Pavel ignores the comment and helps Scotty with one of the wiring circuits instead. It's 1330 hours when Sulu finally replies to his PADD message.

"Hey sorry. There's a little bit of milk left but not much. Why is your bag here?"

Pavel bites his lip uncomfortably and Scotty laughs in the background telling him to reply with "I saw everything you dirty bastard."

He replies instead with "Thanks, I came in and you were busy so I left."

He feels weird replying and waits anxiously for some sort of reply.

A while later he gets back. "Shit sorry, what did you see...?"

Scotty grabs the PADD of him and quickly types "What didn't I see?" and hits send before Pavel can grab it off him. Pavel swears at him and pushes him away, quickly starting to type an apology. Scotty grins and sits down beside him, apologising half-heartedly. He can't help but notice how frustrated and flustered he is about him messaging something like that to Sulu and how awkward he is about the whole situation.

"You seem pretty uptight about this whole thing Lad..."

Pavel shrugs, "Just caught me by surprise I suppose..."

Scotty raises an eyebrow. "D'you fancy him, Pavel?"

Pavel's stomach drops and he shakes his head. "No, no I don't. I just didn't think Sulu was the kinda guy to bring a girl home and... Yeah..."

Scotty doesn't believe it for a second but doesn't say anything.


	7. Chapter 7

Pavel goes back to the dorm and opens the door a little more carefully this time, having a look around before entering the room.

"It's fine, she's gone, Sulu mutters awkwardly from the kitchen. Pavel looks up at him and frowns. Sulu's hair is a mess and there's a bruise on his neck. He's wearing a clean uniform and making himself a sandwich.

"Sorry you had to come in and see that... You only saw us making out right?"

Pavel nods awkwardly. Sulu frowns, "Um yeah. I'm sorry about that."

"No, no it's fine. Who was she?"

"Her name's Ella. She's in my piloting class. It was just a casual sorta thing. Nothing serious."

"So you actually went all the way?" Pavel regrets the words as soon as he said them. He doesn't want to pry and he doesn't want to make things any more awkward than he already feels they are.

"Yeah," Sulu says dismissively. "I didn't actually think we would but..."

Pavel nods. The majority of people his age have already done it but he never really was interested, too busy with study and star charts to try and pick up and girls, or guys. Pavel's first crush was a boy, but that was years and years ago now. The boy ended up finding out and calling him a 'filthy faggot' and telling Pavel to never speak to him again. Pavel had never expressed any feelings towards another guy after that. He knew he wasn't entirely straight, but wasn't entirely sure if he was entirely gay either. Sure, girls were pretty and nice and all but he couldn't really see himself going all the way with one. Maybe he hadn't found the right girl yet or maybe he would want to if he actually dated a girl but for now, he just tried to avoid the whole dating thing altogether.

Sulu leaves for classes later in the afternoon and Pavel walks past his room, noticing the messy sheets and clothes on the floor. He can see a bottle of what looks like lube on the bedside table and an open box of condoms. He walks past quickly and tries to shake the image out of his head. He feels bad for prying even though it was Sulu who left his bedroom door wide open. Pavel retreats into his own room and lies down on the bed. He's had a weird day and doesn't really want to stew in his thoughts for much longer. He pops one of the pills McCoy has given him and tries to sleep.

It's nearly eight at night when Pavel wakes up feeling even more exhausted and disgusting. He feels sick and pulls himself out of bed and into the bathroom. He shuts the door and sits on the floor by the toilet. He's either going to throw up or wait till his nausea passes, whichever comes first. He throws up a few minutes later and isn't entirely sure why. He was fine when he went to sleep. He messages McCoy and asks what's in the pills and why they're making him sick all of a sudden. McCoy tells him to go to medbay and with no apparent reason why and Pavel just obeys because he's too tired to deal with the doctor's threats.

Medbay is empty and there is no sign of doctor McCoy. He asks the check in nurse and she says he's not on duty. Pavel's about to leave when the doctor walks in the front door. He's in jeans and a jacket and looks even more pissed than usual. He doesn't say anything, but nods politely to the nurse and pulls Pavel into his office by his shoulder.

"You're not meant to take those during the daytime under any circumstances."

Pavel pouts and sits down in the chair opposite his desk. "You could have told me that."

McCoy shoots him a death stare and turns back around to his shelf of medical books. "It's on the packet kid, don't you know how to read? I thought you were meant to be a genius or something."

Pavel hates that comment. He's heard it all too many times from his father and it always pissed him off. He tells McCoy to fuck off, in Russian and crosses his arms angrily. "No one reads the stupid packet anyways. You just told me to take one before I went to bed. You didn't specify any time of day or anything."

Your body clock is going to be seriously screwed up for a week or so now. Expect to throw up a bit, get headaches, get dizzy. I'm confining you to your dorm for the next few days because you're probably going to pass out a few times and I don't want you anywhere unsafe if you do."

"What, all this because of one pill? You're joking right?"

"Chekov this is the strongest medication for sleep out there. It sets your sleep into regular patterns and it's normally only used on fully grown adults. Hell, you can't even drink yet, you're just a kid. It wouldn't have such a strong effect on you if you were older but you're not so here you are."

McCoy sits down and rubs his face with his hands. "You're gonna be the death of me kid."

McCoy doesn't see the tears forming in Pavel's eyes and is surprised when he gets up and starts walking out.

"I'm not trying to cause everyone problems okay!" He says angrily, opening McCoy's door and shutting it loudly when he walks out. He doesn't quite slam it but it's loud enough to cause the nurse to jump in surprise. She gives Pavel this scared look and it breaks him inside. He runs out into campus and leans against the nearest tree, steadying himself so he doesn't fall. McCoy is right on the money with the symptoms, he can barely see he is so dizzy and his head is pounding painfully.


	8. Chapter 8

Pavel makes is back to the dorm after having to stop and sit down every few minutes. Sulu looks up when he comes into the room and instantly frowns. Pavel looks terrible, red-eyed and pale. Pavel collapses as he starts walking inside and Sulu runs over to him, helping him up onto the couch. He goes to ring McCoy and Pavel stops him, telling him he just came from there. Pavel goes into the bathroom to be sick again and McCoy rings Sulu, asking him if he's there at the dorm. Sulu tells him what's happened even though he knows Pavel will hate him for it.

Pavel's on the couch with a blanket around his shoulders and a wet cloth on his head when McCoy walks in. He looks across at Sulu with a look of absolute betrayal and disappointment and Sulu's heart sinks. He's done the right thing but it feels so wrong.

"Pavel, I'm sorry I didn't that you're causing problems. I care about you Pavel, I don't like seeing you upset or unwell or anything. Believe it or not it's why I'm a doctor."

Pavel doesn't say anything and silently hates them both. McCoy for making him feel like such a huge burden and Sulu making him come over. McCoy comes and sits down next to Pavel, waving a tricorder sensor probe around his head. He follows the probe with his eyes and doesn't say anything.

"I can't give you any medicine to counter-act any of your symptoms because it will only make it worse…"

"Wait so he's just going to have to suffer like this for the next… How long was it?"

The doctor nods at Sulu and mutters 'a week' quietly. Pavel feels like he might be sick again and gets up shakily, going back into the bathroom. McCoy keeps an eye on him as he throws up again. The doctor shuts the door and tells him to have a shallow bath or sit down in the shower and yell out if he feels unwell again. Pavel takes his gross clothes off and climbs into the bottom of the shower. He turns the water on and sits there for a while, just letting the water fall over him. He doesn't want to fall back into this mental state again, he'd only just gotten out of it.

He's in the shower for ages and he still feels dizzy and has a headache but at least his nausea is gone. He eventually turns the water off and wraps a towel around him, drying himself slowly. He doesn't have any clothes with him and he doesn't really want to put his dirty clothes back on so he wraps the towel around him tightly. When he comes out of the bathroom both Sulu and the doctor are looking at him and he just looks away weirdly and goes into his room. He puts some loose clothes on and goes back out, sitting down.

"Better?" McCoy asks.

Pavel nods and lies down on the couch, starting to feel too dizzy to keep sitting up. Sulu places his hand on the Russian's forehead.

"He's pretty warm Leonard… Surely you can give him something for the pain?"

Sulu's gentle tone surprises both of them. Pavel smiles a little and McCoy shrugs. "I'll have to do some reading up on the drug itself but it is one of the most powerful ones made. I probably shouldn't have let him have it and he's right, I should have made it more obvious how dangerous it was. I'm really sorry Pavel." McCoy places his hand gently on Pavel's shoulder and frowns. "I'm really sorry kid."

McCoy stays up with Sulu trying to figure out some kind of remedy they can give to Pavel. He drifts in and out of sleep (or more so consciousness) and only picks up broken fragments of conversation. He wakes up and starts shaking sometimes and he starts questioning how a medication could have such a strong effect on him. He feels like he's going to be sick again and Sulu helps him get into the bathroom. He sits there dizzy for a long time and only ends up throwing up water. McCoy makes him some kind of electrolyte solution which he drinks reluctantly and throws it up quite shortly after. The doctors suggests taking him to medbay and Pavel really doesn't want to go but after trying to stand and falling back down, he agrees.

Throughout the whole night Pavel tosses and turns uncomfortably and shakes badly. Sulu dabs a cloth on his head every so often. He just feels like crying because he's in so much pain and he hates being babied by Hikaru and McCoy.

Early in the morning Spock comes in to check on him and offer McCoy some help with finding a solution. Pavel basically begs Spock to Vulcan neck pinch him, knocking him out for a few hours so his body can rest and he doesn't have to suffer through the headaches and terrible dizziness. After a long consultation with a few doctors they agree and Pavel falls into a long long sleep.

Pavel's eye flutter open and he can hear a buzz from the machines and nothing else. He wipes his eyes, they're cloudy and his vision is blurred. "Hey you're awake." Sulu's voice is soft and calm. He sends a message to McCoy and helps Pavel sit up. "How you feeling."

"Still dizzy," Pavel answers truthfully. "But not sick and my headache is gone. How long was I asleep?"

Hikaru shrugs. "Two days give or take. That pinch lasted a long time on you, we were scared you weren't going to wake up."

"I'm really sorry. I don't mean to worry anyone… Have you been waiting here this whole time?"

"Not really," he mutters, shoving some of his books from Pavel's side table into his bag. "I've been taking shifts with McCoy and Spock. Scotty came in at one stage too."

"Spock?" He swears under his breath in Russian. "I feel terrible for troubling you all. Spock and I aren't even friends, I can't believe he'd waste his time here with me…"

"He's not wasting his time," Sulu says adamantly. "And nor were we."

Pavel can't help but smile. McCoy comes in and starts scanning him and asking all kinds of questions, some about how he's feeling some about what he remembers. The doctor gets him to solve a maths problem to test his cognitive ability and concludes he is fine. Pavel excuses himself and walks to the bathroom, barely being able to use his legs after two days. McCoy lets him shower under the condition that Sulu stays in the room. Out of courtesy he faces the other way and Pavel draws the curtains just out of embarrassment. He doesn't really know whether he should talk to Sulu or not. He worries it'll make things too awkward.

They end up chatting quietly and Sulu describes the last two days and everything that's happened on the news and around the campus. There was a robbery at the grocery store he buys his Asian groceries from and James Kirk mentioned the possibility of a five year mission into space. Pavel's glad Sulu can't see the look of sheer terror on his face. He knows Scotty will probably want him to join him on the mission and that McCoy, Sulu, Kirk and maybe even Spock will try and make him join as well. He doesn't think after the last mission he can handle anything near that long.

The only symptom Pavel has by the end of the day is dizziness, and it remains the reason why McCoy makes him stay in medbay. Sulu leaves for class and Scotty comes visit for half an hour or so, which is quite a significant chunk of the busy engineer's time when he thinks about it. Spock visits in the night time and Pavel awkwardly thanks him for visiting him. They talk about the conclusions the Vulcan and the doctor have made with the medication. Pavel's body weight has dropped nearly seven kilos to what his medical form says, which apparently has a lot to do with the dosage.

Pavel gets better slowly but his dizziness is the one symptom he just can't seem to shake. Spock tries to get him to meditate but his mind is much too busy for it to really work. They try sitting on the floor together but Pavel tips over every few minutes. Hikaru helps him study for a while even though Pavel starts to question if he's even going to be able to graduate with the way he's going. He has missed nearly all of his classes and he rarely studies any more. He made an appointment to see the person in charge of students and studies with McCoy but now he's missing another solid week of classes he really doesn't think he will graduate. He hopes he can just do a few exams and that's it but he mightn't be that lucky.

There are only one or two more occasions where Pavel ends up falling over but other than that he's fine. Hikaru still watches over and babies him even after his sleep is back on a reasonably normal track. He has a tendency to still wake up at 0400 hours now and again but nowadays he can seem to get back to sleep easier. McCoy writes a not so passive aggressive letter to the board director of studies about how Pavel heroically saved the captain and the Vulcan high council, and how as a result he feels a personal guilt over the death of Spock's mother. The doctor gets and email back asking to arrange a meeting with Pavel so they can 'discuss options.'


	9. Chapter 9

The head of the board of studies is a particularly tall Vulcan woman, who seems a little sympathetic if anything. There's no signal or emotion in specific that makes her seem any different but Pavel just gets a weird vibe from her. She sits the two of them down and starts reciting protocol, how if a student's attendance rate is below 85% they are not allowed to legally pass the course. Pavel's attendance is closer to 30% and he looks glumly at the ground as McCoy starts arguing. Normally most people wouldn't bother arguing with a Vulcan, but the doctor is a _special_ kind of stubborn and continues to argue anyway.

"Pavel? Did you hear that?" Pavel's focus quickly returns to McCoy and his hand tightly squeezing his shoulder.

"You hear that? You can do the exams and still pass."

Pavel breathes a huge sigh of relief and thanks the Vulcan woman. He doesn't know what McCoy said but it worked. As he walks out of the office building with McCoy, Pavel grabs him and pulls him into a hug. McCoy is pretty taken aback by the gesture initially but he loosens his shoulders and hugs the young Russian back. The boy has been through a lot and McCoy can't help but feel sorry for him. It was about time something went in Pavel's favour.

Sulu congratulates Pavel by cooking him lunch, a Japanese dish called katsudon that he has never tried before. Pavel promises he will one day return the favour by making him something traditionally Russian. The katsudon is amazing and Pavel ends up eating what was going to be leftovers for dinner. When it gets later in the night and Sulu has a shower the young Russian thinks about calling someone back home. There are a few friends that he hasn't spoken to in a while that he feels he should contact again. He's gotten a few PADD messages from them asking if he's okay after the whole Romulan incident but the few replies he has given have all been short and not very heartfelt.

A week before final exams Pavel and Sulu go into a study hibernation where they spend all their time copying out notes and practising physics equations for their practical. Studying seems to keep Pavel's stress levels under reasonable control and for the first time since the incident he can focus on something for nearly as long as he used to. Sulu notices this and feels a little calmer knowing that his mental condition is improving slowly.

Pavel aces his first two exams, he can answer all but one of the questions and as much as he hates admitting it, he reckons his marks will be as high as they were before. Sulu does equally as well but doesn't say anything about it to Pavel. He tries to get him to focus more on his own things going right to keep him in a good mind space.

Minutes before the practical simulation exam Pavel has a panic attack in the bathroom. Seeing the controls that caused his last downfall make him feel uneasy and frightened. Sulu notices Pavel missing and checks the bathroom first. He swears he can tell Pavel's there even before he hears the Russians heavy breathing. He knocks on the bathroom door gently and Pavel opens it, knowing he'd see Hikaru on the other side.

"The console Hikaru- I just can't..."

Sulu places a hand on the boys shoulder and pulls him into a hug. He knows Pavel likes hugs, and Pavel will always deny it but he loves any form of affection. Pavel hugs him tightly and lets go, nodding.

"I need to do this. I can't keep being afraid. I don't want to stay like this."

Hikaru nods and steps back, allowing him to exit the cubicle.

The results of the exams are posted three days later and Pavel nearly drops his PADD when he sees 92/100 for his console practical. The only comment was "marks deducted for unnecessary hesitation and self-doubt." Pavel shows Hikaru the PADD shaking a little and can barely register his praise. Hikaru calls McCoy and tells him and Pavel sits quietly on the couch looking up at the ceiling. In a way, he doesn't feel like he deserves the marks. He hasn't done as much study and he has spent most of the time sulking rather than focusing. He feels like there is some kind of mistake in the marking and it quite turns his happiness into guilt.

Sulu gets off the phone with McCoy and studies Pavel's concerned impression. The tiny pout on his face is cuter than Sulu can admit. The way the Russian's curls fall around his dark blue eyes... Sulu pulls his eyes away. Pavel is a lot younger than him, there's something wrong about the way he's feeling. Pavel looks across at the Asian and shoots him a confused glance. Sulu smiles and shakes his head as if it's nothing, and leaves the room quietly.

The head of the board of studies is a particularly tall Vulcan woman, who seems a little sympathetic if anything. There's no signal or emotion in specific that makes her seem any different but Pavel just gets a weird vibe from her. She sits the two of them down and starts reciting protocol, how if a student's attendance rate is below 85% they are not allowed to legally pass the course. Pavel's attendance is closer to 30% and he looks glumly at the ground as McCoy starts arguing. Normally most people wouldn't bother arguing with a Vulcan, but the doctor is a _special_ kind of stubborn and continues to argue anyway.

"Pavel? Did you hear that?" Pavel's focus quickly returns to McCoy and his hand tightly squeezing his shoulder.

"You hear that? You can do the exams and still pass."

Pavel breathes a huge sigh of relief and thanks the Vulcan woman. He doesn't know what McCoy said but it worked. As he walks out of the office building with McCoy, Pavel grabs him and pulls him into a hug. McCoy is pretty taken aback by the gesture initially but he loosens his shoulders and hugs the young Russian back. The boy has been through a lot and McCoy can't help but feel sorry for him. It was about time something went in Pavel's favour.

Sulu congratulates Pavel by cooking him lunch, a Japanese dish called katsudon that he has never tried before. Pavel promises he will one day return the favour by making him something traditionally Russian. The katsudon is amazing and Pavel ends up eating what was going to be leftovers for dinner. When it gets later in the night and Sulu has a shower the young Russian thinks about calling someone back home. There are a few friends that he hasn't spoken to in a while that he feels he should contact again. He's gotten a few PADD messages from them asking if he's okay after the whole Romulan incident but the few replies he has given have all been short and not very heartfelt.

A week before final exams Pavel and Sulu go into a study hibernation where they spend all their time copying out notes and practising physics equations for their practical. Studying seems to keep Pavel's stress levels under reasonable control and for the first time since the incident he can focus on something for nearly as long as he used to. Sulu notices this and feels a little calmer knowing that his mental condition is improving slowly.

Pavel aces his first two exams, he can answer all but one of the questions and as much as he hates admitting it, he reckons his marks will be as high as they were before. Sulu does equally as well but doesn't say anything about it to Pavel. He tries to get him to focus more on his own things going right to keep him in a good mind space.

Minutes before the practical simulation exam Pavel has a panic attack in the bathroom. Seeing the controls that caused his last downfall make him feel uneasy and frightened. Sulu notices Pavel missing and checks the bathroom first. He swears he can tell Pavel's there even before he hears the Russians heavy breathing. He knocks on the bathroom door gently and Pavel opens it, knowing he'd see Hikaru on the other side.

"The console Hikaru- I just can't..."

Sulu places a hand on the boys shoulder and pulls him into a hug. He knows Pavel likes hugs, and Pavel will always deny it but he loves any form of affection. Pavel hugs him tightly and lets go, nodding.

"I need to do this. I can't keep being afraid. I don't want to stay like this."

Hikaru nods and steps back, allowing him to exit the cubicle.

The results of the exams are posted three days later and Pavel nearly drops his PADD when he sees 92/100 for his console practical. The only comment was "marks deducted for unnecessary hesitation and self-doubt." Pavel shows Hikaru the PADD shaking a little and can barely register his praise. Hikaru calls McCoy and tells him and Pavel sits quietly on the couch looking up at the ceiling. In a way, he doesn't feel like he deserves the marks. He hasn't done as much study and he has spent most of the time sulking rather than focusing. He feels like there is some kind of mistake in the marking and it quite turns his happiness into guilt.

Sulu gets off the phone with McCoy and studies Pavel's concerned impression. The tiny pout on his face is cuter than Sulu can admit. The way the Russian's curls fall around his dark blue eyes... Sulu pulls his eyes away. Pavel is a lot younger than him, there's something wrong about the way he's feeling. Pavel looks across at the Asian and shoots him a confused glance. Sulu smiles and shakes his head as if it's nothing, and leaves the room quietly.


	10. Chapter 10

The next few days get awkward as Sulu keeps finding himself staring or paying a lot of unnecessary attention to Pavel. Pavel gets a vibe that Sulu is watching him. He checks his face in the bathroom to see if he can find anything abnormal. All he sees is his confused reflection looking back at him.

"I've got a problem," Sulu says quickly, closing the door to McCoy's office.

"So do I, it's called people coming into my office unannounced while I having filing to do."

Sulu shoots McCoy a frustrated glance and sits down in one of the chairs opposite the doctor.

"Well?" McCoy says expectantly, glancing up from his PADD.

"I think I'm gay."

"How is that a problem?"

"Because he's seventeen."

There is a solid minute of silence as McCoy lowers his PADD and looks directly at Sulu's burning cheeks.

"Wait so you're saying-"

"Chekov."

"Does he know?"

"No of course not. And you're not going to tell him. I don't know what I'm going to do. This is going to get so awkward, why him? I didn't even think I liked guys but…. I've had sex with women doesn't that mean I'm straight?"

McCoy tries not to roll his as he goes back to looking at his PADD. "Why are you trying to label yourself? Sleeping with a girl doesn't make you straight. A lot of people don't figure out their sexuality until after experimenting a bit."

Sulu nods and takes a few deep breaths. His heart is racing and he feels a little uneasy.

"That being said," McCoy says quietly. "He is seventeen. You can't have sex with him until his eighteen or that's statutory rape. Don't go after Pavel until he's old enough. You're going to get yourself into a big mess if you pursue him."

Sulu nods again and swallows uncomfortably. He feels like a creep, hitting on someone so much younger, someone so fragile. McCoy sends him out of his office promising not to say anything as long as he doesn't do anything stupid.

As soon as Sulu has admitted how he feels to McCoy, he swears Pavel has gotten cuter. He asks Sulu what he wants for dinner and with those big blue eyes blinking back at him, the Asian finds himself lost for words. Pavel's too distracted to really notice and doesn't think much of it.

Pavel's hugging his pillow in bed and thinking about Sulu when he finally starts realising about how his roommate has been acting recently. Pavel's a smart guy, but attraction is not something he's too knowledgeable about. He swears Sulu has been acting differently but one part of him honestly feels that he just wants him to be acting differently. Pavel doesn't know how he really feels about Sulu. It's not something he has figured out, but he knows there is something there that he can't quite describe. He thinks about asking McCoy about it, but talking to him about sexuality just seems _weird_.

There's a reasonably short break of two weeks between semesters and the rumours about a five year mission are confirmed. Sulu talks to James Kirk about it and apparently he wants the same bridge crew as last time. Scotty, McCoy, Spock and Uhura have all signed up but Pavel is still reluctant, and as far as he knows so is Sulu. McCoy has to start physical exams and becomes constantly busy, which leaves Pavel without anyone to talk to while Sulu is away visiting his family.

Scotty seems slightly pissed about having to put the Enterprise through another five year mission, but more pissed about Pavel's lack of interesting joining. Pavel is rewiring a circuit board on the floor as Scotty rants at him loudly, telling him that the crew needs him on the mission. Pavel picks up a pair of pliers and doesn't say anything.

"You know as much as I do how much the crew needs you. You're a smart kid Pavel don't let your gift go to waste."

Pavel frowns at the circuit board. That word again. Kid. He's not a kid. It's that one word everyone uses that just gets to him. He remembers his old roommate seeing him as he walked in the door with the admiral and the look of disappointment and disgust on his face.

"What's this kid doing here?" The first words Pavel had ever heard his roommate say. They still stung sometimes. Pavel was only fourteen at the time but after being so hopeful and excited to be going to space and following his dream; it really crushed his spirit. Scotty passes him another circuit board and frowns at him.

"You seem out of it Chekov," he says quietly, sitting down beside him with his own circuit board.

"I don't know about going back into space. I don't think I could live myself if something like that happened again."

"I know you're sick of hearing this but it's nae your fault laddie…."

Pavel goes quiet and doesn't know what to say. Scotty feels like he has struck some kind of nerve and makes a note to not mention it again.

"Can I tell you something?" Pavel ask quietly, putting his circuit on the ground.

"Of course, Chekov." He says, pretty unsure of what Pavel has on his mind.

"Do you think that… Is it bad if…" Pavel's lost for words as Scotty looks at him expectantly. There's a loud crash not far from where the two men are sitting and they jump to their feet. Scotty runs to where the noise came from and Pavel follows him, sighing. A huge tub of oil is spilling out all over the floor and one of the ensigns is trying to push it back up into a standing position. Scotty helps the ensign push it back up and Pavel turns a nearby gas tap off. Scotty's first rule of engineering had always been safety first and he drilled that into anyone who worked with him. As the three men start cleaning the mess up, Scotty pulls Chekov aside for a second.

"Are you alright lad, is this a conversation we can have another time?"

"Yeah of course," Pavel insists, going straight back to cleaning up. Scotty lingers on the thought a little but quickly tries to shake it off. He can tell Pavel's avoiding talking to him.

Scotty remembers to ask Pavel was troubling him earlier that day and the young Russian insists it no long matters and he has forgotten anyway. Scotty knows he's lying but nods his head anyway and reminds himself to pester the ensign about it later.


	11. Chapter 11

Sulu's weirdness seems to calm down after a few days. Pavel has a feeling it was just stress from exams but McCoy seems to think otherwise. He won't say much about it and always seems to change the subject. He hasn't mentioned it to Sulu but he feels it's probably best if he doesn't stress him more.

Pavel starts making friends with a girl in his astrophysics class and sits with her regularly at lunch and after classes. She's a half betazoid named Veesa and her eyes are a stunning midnight black. It took Pavel a while to adjust to her eyes but when he started really looking at them he could see how pretty they are. He knows that she has some kind of telepathic ability, but he hasn't asked much about it.

Veesa comes over to their dorm one afternoon, bringing with her some Kaseton bread, a food native to the planet Betazed. Pavel enjoys it and Veesa eats it quietly as she reads over Pavel's messy notes. She's easily one of the best students in the class and was also assigned to the USS Enterprise on the engineering deck. They have a lot in common and despite her blatant honesty, they get along reasonably well.

Sulu walks into the dorm later that night and seems reasonably surprised to see Pavel with a girl. He swears he has never seen the Russian with another female and grins at the two of them studying quietly together.

"Talking to a girl I see, that's gotta be a first."

Pavel rolls his eyes and mutters back the most sarcastic 'ha ha' he can muster. Veesa grins and introduces herself to Sulu quietly, shaking his hand politely. Sulu sits down opposite from them and takes out his own texts books and PADD. He has seen Veesa before in one of his classes, he can't remember which but he knows she's familiar.

"Didn't we have a class together at some stage?" Veesa asks, biting back a smile and looking expectantly at Sulu.

"Yeah ha," Sulu mutters. "I was actually just thinking that, it was like you read my mind."

Pavel and Veesa break out into laughter and Sulu looks at them confused for a few seconds before Veesa finally admits that she is from Betazed has some telepathic ability. Sulu looks closely at her black eyes and wonders why he didn't notice it earlier.

Veesa leaves a few hours later and thanks Pavel for his help. She gives him a hug before she leaves and Pavel tries not to seem as surprised as he is by the gesture. Sulu can see them from the kitchen and watches Veesa leave. She's pretty and she's smart and he questions why he didn't notice her in their earlier classes. He hopes Pavel asks her over again and grins at him as he closes the door behind her.

"You seemed pretty shocked by her hugging you," he smirks, rinsing a glass in the sink and turning back to the slightly flushed teen.

"No, I just didn't think that she'd... I don't know. Girls are complicated."

Sulu grins at his confused pout. "Have you not hugged a girl before or?"

"Yeah, of course I have," Pavel says, a little unsure as he says it. He had probably hugged a few girls as friends at some stage.

"Have you ever had a girlfriend?" He asks Pavel quietly, hoping not to push any boundaries. Pavel answers not really honestly and doesn't bother asking Sulu after seeing what he was doing with the girl in his room last time.

"Ever had a boyfriend then?" Sulu asks, crossing his fingers that Pavel won't take some kind of offence.

"No," he replies flatly. "I skipped a few years of school so I never really hung out with anyone my age I guess. All the kids in Russia thought I was weird anyway and I was hoping I'd meet someone when I came here but, once again no one is really interested in someone so much younger."

"What about Veesa?"

Pavel shrugs a little. "I don't know, I doubt she likes me in that kinda way. I haven't really gotten to know her yet anyway.

Sulu raises his eyebrows. Veesa seems quite interested in him, that's reasonably obvious. Obvious to anyone but Pavel.

McCoy pretends to listen to Sulu as he complains about Veesa. She's always around the apartment and it's starting to get to Sulu.

"Like she's nice and whatever but Pavel is so blind, oh my god she's like cuddling up to him and touching his face and he hardly picks up on it. It's so weird. Like yesterday, she was going to... Leonard are you even listening?

"Hmm what?" McCoy asks, looking up from his PADD. "I don't even need to listen to the rest Sulu, you're obviously jealous."

Sulu rolls his eyes and leans back in his chair. "I like Veesa too, though. She seems like a really nice person but it's just so weird seeing them together like that."

"Wait so you like this Visa chick now? You were gay ten minutes ago?"

"Veesa, and I don't know what I am. I like both I guess? Both of them are ideal in their own way. Ugh McCoy why are feelings so confusing? I don't know what I want..."

McCoy doesn't look up at the Asian's head resting firmly on the table. "It's not like you're in any rush to find out. Pavel obviously isn't going to make a move anytime soon."

Sulu nods and sighs deeply, twirling a pen in his fingers and thinking.

"I still don't know why you ask me about this... stuff. Relationships aren't exactly my strong point. My wife took the whole goddam planet in the divorce. All I've got left is my bones."

"So that's why Kirk calls you Bones..."

McCoy rolls his eyes and checks the time. "I have a patient in three minutes. You're gonna have to go."

Sulu tries to not roll his eyes and leaves quietly, hoping that Veesa wouldn't be back at their apartment. She probably will but it doesn't stop him from hoping.

Veesa and Pavel aren't back in the apartment, to Sulu's surprise. He figures that they're probably in the library or out somewhere. Pavel mentioned that he was thinking about going into the city sometime. He wanted to visit a museum or some archive or something with her. She seemed pretty interested in going but Sulu can't help but think that he's more interested in him.

Turns out that the two weren't visiting museums or achieves or even the library. Pavel came back a few hours later and after some subtle interrogation from the uptight Asian across the room, he figures out he went back to Veesa's apartment for once. Pavel isn't too keen on talking about what happened. Veesa tried to kiss him and he freaked out. The idea just felt wrong. He knows she's probably still too hurt to see him again and Pavel has a strong feeling that their friendship may be ruined. Pavel just left the apartment abruptly after what happened with only a soppy apology and some pathetic excuse that they both know was fake.

Pavel stays in his room for most of the night studying hoping Sulu won't pick up on his confused and slightly saddened mood. Sulu, quite oblivious to what's going on thinks that things went too well with Veesa. He's starting to question if they slept together, but he knows Pavel isn't the kind of guy to just hook up casually.

Veesa shows up at the door a few days later and asks to speak to Pavel. Sulu lets her in, confused at her sheepish state and calls out to Pavel. When the Russian comes out his cheeks start burning red as soon as he sees her and he shoots a worried look to Sulu. The Asian has literally no clue what's going on and retreats back into the room, hoping that they'll sort it out themselves.

Sulu comes out of his room after an hour or so and the two are talking quietly. He can't make out what they're saying but they don't seem angry or anything. Veesa leaves not long after and Sulu just shoots Pavel a look of pure 'what are you not telling me' and the Russian rolls his eyes.

"I thought you guys were on good terms, why did she seem sad when I opened the door?"

"I don't know," Pavel says submissively. "Stuff just happened I guess..."

"Want to elaborate?"

Pavel does not want to elaborate and starts digging through the kitchen for food.

"You hungry?" He asks quietly, hoping to change the topic.

"I get it if you don't want to talk about it. But I am your friend and you can tell me anything okay?"

Pavel smiles a little. "Not much happened. She just... She's just looking for different things. She read my mind and she's confused about what's going on. The truth is so am I..."

Sulu nods. He understands what the Russian means. He's started to question everything after all that happened with the Romulans.

"What are you looking for?" Sulu asks cautiously, sitting down at the kitchen counter.

"Friendship. Security. Sentiment. I don't know really. The main point is that she wants to be more than friends, I don't."

Pavel pushes a biscuit into his mouth and chews it slowly, staring vacantly at the kitchen bench. "Girls are confusing."

Sulu laughs. "They are."


	12. Chapter 12

Dr McCoy calls Pavel in for his physical and spends most of the time lecturing the Russian about his weight. Despite his effort to put on weight since the sleeping incident he's still significantly smaller than when he started at Starfleet. McCoy says if he doesn't gain another kilo and a half by the end of the week, he'll have to start on some more medication and after last time, Pavel is not keen.

Sulu takes Pavel out for burgers later that day and the Russian feels full before he has even finished half the burger. Pavel eats the whole thing slowly, feeling like he's going to explode as soon as he's done. It was a good burger but damn it was filling. Sulu tries to feed Pavel ramen for dinner but he can only finish a tiny bit. Sulu's ramen is good and the ramen itself is super fattening.

Pavel can smell bacon and eggs when he wakes up and it makes him feel a little ill. He still feels full from yesterday and isn't in the mood for a big breakfast. He rarely even eats breakfast as it is, and the thought of three huge meals a day for the next week is scaring him.

At the end of the week Pavel is just under his 1.5 kilo target and McCoy lets him off as long as he promises to keep eating. Sulu goes out with some friends that night and Pavel is thankful for not having to eat a huge dinner. He eats a few biscuits and goes to bed before Hikaru comes home to avoid any questioning.

Three mid-term exams down and Pavel is pretty confident he's done well in them. He still has two more but he has memorised every neatly printed word on his study cards and knows all the practise questions back to front. Study is the one things Pavel can do well and despite his constant forced eating and lesser ability to concentrate, he knows he can do well. The past few weeks have passed so much faster than he thought and the five year mission is looming in the near future.

Sulu is a great study partner and quizzes Pavel on the stimulus for the last two exams. Pavel's English is the only thing letting him down by the end of the night. He understands what he is talking about but his spelling still isn't the best. The Russian spends the next few days combing through a dictionary and trying to strengthen his vocabulary. Sulu admires his persistence as he tries to motivate himself with his own study. Veesa starts spending a little more time with Hikaru 'studying,' but it starts getting awkward quickly. Sulu is simultaneously trying not to be interested in Veesa or Pavel, but if anything he's getting more interested in both. There are a few occasions where it seems that Veesa is almost purposely disincluding Pavel. Sulu feel honestly sorry for him, he gets this subtle look of hurt in his eye and goes and does something else.

Veesa is sitting very close to Hikaru and as much as he is enjoying it, he can tell it's making Pavel feel uncomfortable. He goes into the kitchen to get a drink and Veesa looks at Sulu with a weird grin. Sulu tilts his head to the side in confusion and as soon as Pavel comes back into the room Veesa cups Sulu's face and pulls her lips to his.

Pavel sees red as soon as he see the two lip locked. He feels betrayed by Sulu and angry with Veesa's insensitivity. Pavel leaves the apartment and makes sure to not look back as he speed walks towards engineering. Sulu looks up abruptly and frowns at Veesa.

"You did that on purpose."

Veesa shakes her head. "I do like you. You're a nice guy. It's just getting weird with him around."

"Weird? He's my friend…"

Pavel is sitting in the corner with another stack of circuit boards as Scotty yells at a few ensigns for mucking around with a transporter pad. He's angry and sad and confused and he wants to go back to the apartment and beat the shit out of Hikaru. Scotty sits down after a while and listens carefully to everything that has happened. Scotty's roommate has just moved in with his girlfriend and he offers Pavel a place to stay for the night. Pavel accepts the offer and replicates himself a shirt and a toothbrush. He likes staying with Scotty. He hasn't shared a room with him since Delta Vega but the Scotsman is easy to get along with.

Scotty gets a few messages from Hikaru asking if he know where Pavel is but the Russian asks Scotty not to reply. Partially because he doesn't want Sulu's apologies and partially because he wants to make him suffer. Pavel starts worrying that his decision to ignore Hikaru is too impulsive. Should he be getting angry at Hikaru just for kissing a girl? Pavel shakes his head, it's more than that. Sulu knew he felt disincluded and that things were weird with Veesa. It was a long kiss too, Sulu could have easily pulled away. Maybe Pavel is just jealous? He doesn't know anymore, and after getting hurt by something so subtle, he doesn't really want to.


	13. Chapter 13

Sulu comes knocking on Scotty's door the next morning and Pavel doesn't even try to hide his anger.

"Done with Veesa?" He asks cockily, meeting Sulu's eye for only a second as he starts gathering his things into a pile.

"It wasn't like that, she just went and kissed me, I didn't intend for it to happen."

"Yes, but you didn't object, did you?" he says bitterly, biting the inside of his lip.

Sulu seems a little shocked by the comment, never having heard such a harsh tone coming from Pavel. The Russian can see the shock on Sulu's face. He doesn't care. Pavel's first response when he's angry has always been to attack with words.

"What's your problem kid? Are you just jealous or what?"

"Kid?" Pavel mimics back, snapping his gaze to Hikaru. The Asian instantly knows he has crossed a line. Even Scotty bites the inside of his lip looking at the two of them. Pavel scoffs and starts mentally drafting his room switch application.

"Is that all I am to you? Some kid who's just getting in your way? Well, I'm sorry for being a..." Pavel's suddenly lost for words. He finishes the sentence in Russian quietly under his breath but can't think of the English. It's a word he heard Veesa use once when she thought he wasn't listening. "A cock-block," he finally finishes.

Sulu's shoulders droop and he looks sympathetically at the Russian. Pavel's bottom lips starts quivering and he walks into the bathroom, wiping his eyes on the corner of his sleeves.

Scotty gives Sulu a sympathetic but firm look and gestures towards the door. The Asian nods and leaves without question, hoping he doesn't start crying also. He's hurt his friend, and that's something he can't forgive himself for.

The application for a room switch is approved after two days and Pavel gets all his things when he knows Sulu is in class. He makes a few attempts to message Pavel via PADD but he ignores them all. Scotty is good company and he tries to get Pavel to talk to Sulu but he just refuses and the engineer just decides not to pester him about it. The Russian's weight drops back down a little and he gets called into Doctor McCoy's office not long after. He has a suspicion that Scotty told the doctor he wasn't eating as much but he doesn't bother asking.

Sulu is in McCoy's office when Pavel walks in and he instantly swears at the Doctor. He starts walking out of the office and McCoy grabs his shoulder and moves him back inside. Pavel pouts and tries not to cross his arms when he sits down.

"I'm sorry Pavel, you're not a kid."

"I don't want to be here," Pavel says blatantly, looking out the window.

"We know dammit," McCoy says firmly, crossing his arm and glaring at Pavel.

"I don't think you're a cock-block. I like having you around Pavel. I didn't know she was going to do that, I wasn't trying to make you uncomfortable or anything."

McCoy and Sulu look at the Russian for a response but they don't get one.

"Look this is pointless," Sulu finally says, surprising both the other two. "He doesn't want my apologies."

McCoy shrugs and looks at Pavel.

"Your weight has been decreasing again Pavel. You need to start eating more."

"He's not eating?" Sulu asks, genuinely concerned. "Pavel, I'm really sorry."

Pavel sighs, it hurts to think that Sulu does honestly care.

"I'll eat. Just give me time."

"Your final physical is in two weeks. You need to be as close to your starting weight as possible."

Pavel nods. He doesn't feel like eating much after everything that has happened with Hikaru.

"May I go now?" Pavel asks quietly.

McCoy looks to Hikaru with sympathy. "You really should stay you know. But I'm not going to stop you."

Pavel stands and leaves, not saying anything. As the door closes Sulu slumps into his chair and rubs is temples.

"You're in deep shit." McCoy points out, leaning back in his chair.

"I know. You should have been there with that last fight. It's almost like I wasn't even talking to him. He was so bitter. Like, I don't blame him, but wow, he's not the same when he's angry."

McCoy nods and sighs. "Try and sort things out with him okay. He doesn't need any sort of stress from you too."


	14. Chapter 14

Pavel ignores Hikaru one too many times and it ends up backfiring against him. Sulu snaps at him for being immature and not facing his problems and it strikes a nerve. Sulu is right, the Russian hasn't been facing his problems, and he has been ignoring them and letting them control his emotions. Later than night Pavel goes back over to what is now Hikaru's dorm and knocks on the door sheepishly. Sulu seems quite surprised to see him there. He lets him in and closes the door.

"I need to apologise," Pavel says quietly. "You're right about me not facing my problems. I'm sorry for ignoring you."

"You shouldn't be. The whole Veesa thing shouldn't have happened, and you're not a kid."

"Did she really kiss you?"

"Yeah, but I should have pulled away… I was just kind of shocked I guess."

Pavel nods and takes a seat at the table. It was his seat, and it kinda still is. The room seems so foreign now that he isn't there.

"I hope you're not offended by me moving in with Scotty…"

Hikaru shakes his head. "I probably would have done the same thing. Maybe it's best if we spend some time away from one another…"

Pavel and Hikaru both realise that he's talking as if the two were a couple and things quickly get awkward.

"I just mean that like, I don't want to put any more stress on you and Scotty's a good friend for you to be with and yeah, I'm just making it worse aren't I?" Sulu smiles apologetically and Pavel laughs. Fuck Sulu loves his laugh. Pavel grins at the Asian and stands up.

"I have homework due tomorrow and I still need to write the conclusion. I better leave you to it. I'm sorry for just… I don't know, shaking everything up I guess…"

Sulu breathes a sigh of relief knowing Pavel doesn't hate him.

Pavel walks through the door and Sulu catches his hand pulling him back a step.

"Just know you're always welcome back here okay?"

Pavel smiles curtly and nods, his gaze lingering on Sulu's hand gripping his wrist. Sulu lets go awkwardly and waves a silent goodbye to Pavel. He can feel the hot blaze across his cheeks and swears at himself as soon as the door closes. Pavel touches his own cheeks as he walks back towards his room. His cheeks are warm and he feels like he's done something wrong. He's hoping that he's only blushing because it was a little awkward, not for any other reason.

Scotty picks up on Pavel's red cheeks and looks at him suspiciously.

"It's nothing," he says quickly.

Scotty grins at him and starts asking lots of questions but Pavel just ignores him.

"Did something happen between you two? Did you two kiss or?"

"No, no, no," he laughs, putting his hands up innocently. "I don't know why I'm blushing."

Scotty rolls his eyes and sits down on the lounge. "If you fancy him you can tell me you know lad."

"I don't," Pavel says quickly. Scotty shoots him a look. "Even if I did, it's not like he'd go after me anyway. He thinks I'm a kid, remember?"

Scotty shrugs. "I don't know much about Hikaru, but he seems like a pretty open-minded guy."

"I don't think he's gay though. I don't even know if I'm gay. Am I?"

Scotty starts laughing. "I don't know lad."

Pavel meets his weight goal for the physical, but only because McCoy pressed his foot on the scales a tiny bit. He's less than 300 grams under but the Russian needs to make sure his BMI is high enough to class him as average weight. Hikaru is there for his own physical and congratulates him on reaching his goal. Pavel feels so weird having people being proud of him for getting fatter, but he tries not to think about it as he watches Sulu on the other med bay bed with his shirt off. Sulu is a lot tanner and a lot more toned than Pavel. After spending most of his life inside, the Russian is as pale as a ghost.

McCoy scolds Sulu for constantly looking at Pavel shirtless. Sulu begins to argue that he's never seen Pavel shirtless but McCoy just glares him into silence. The doctor dismisses the two and gives Hikaru one last warning glare.

Sulu and Pavel go find lunch in the city as a kind of semi-celebration. It feels almost weird spending time together after last night. Things improve slowly throughout the night but there's still the same underlying awkwardness between the two. Pavel finishes a large curry with a lot less effort than he expected. He figures his stomach has stretched from eating so much all the time. Sulu seems pleased that he doesn't need to basically force the small Russian to finish his food. They even go for ice cream after they've finish and Pavel can't help wondering if this is what a date is like.


	15. Chapter 15

-Important Notice-

Okay so I got a lot of comments about formatting and i had no clue what was going on. So, I fixed chapters 4,5,8 and 10 where I finally understood wht was going on. I'm so sorry! The chapters are fixed and as an apology here's another chapter. Enjoy xxx

There's a long period of calm and Pavel can't help but wonder if something bad is coming his way. Graduation isn't as far away as he thought and he is on good terms with Sulu. He spends a lot of his free time being social rather than reading or studying as he did before. Scotty introduces him to some great people and he even gets invited out to dinner with some of the guys from the Delta Vega mission. McCoy forces him into a few more meetings about his mental health, about his physical health and about how things are going with Spock. Pavel has had a few conversations with the Vulcan since their last meeting and things seem a lot smoother between the two. He has some interesting theories regarding the engineering principles that Pavel and Scotty are working on.

After one of his classes Pavel heads over to Sulu's room. Scotty's busy with something and going back to an empty room doesn't have the same appeal as seeing his friend. Pavel knock on the door quietly and waits a little longer than he expected. Sulu opens it and looks flustered as soon as he sees Pavel. He can see Veesa in the kitchen and he looks at Sulu suspiciously.

"Veesa's here?"

"Um yeah. I would have told you earlier, you know, that I still see her but I didn't really get the right time and didn't want to give off the wrong idea."

"No, you're definitely not doing that." Pavel says coldly.

Veesa looks so happy in the background. She's cooking something and judging by the flour on Hikaru's shirt, Pavel figures he's helping her. He thought that her advance was unwanted by Hikaru, that he didn't intend for her to kiss him. Pavel can feel himself starting to get emotional.

"I just came to ask if I left my PADD charger here," Pavel lies quickly, waiting for Sulu to have a quick look and confirm what Pavel knows isn't there.

"I don't think you left it here. Have you checked your bag?"

"I think it's in the library. Anyways, I'll leave you to it."

Sulu tries to protest but Pavel has already started walking away. He can feel tears forming in his eyes and he's glad Scotty won't be back for another hour and a half.

Scotty knows something's up as soon as he walks in the door. He gets this lonely vibe from Pavel, who is studying at his desk.

"Hey," he greets.

"Hey," Pavel returns quietly. "How was your thing?"

Scotty can feel Pavel's insincerity. "What happened?"

"Am I that obvious?" Pavel asks quietly, leaning back in his chair and putting his pencil down. "I went over to see Hikaru but… Veesa was there… He's still seeing her and he didn't even tell me… I thought that…" Pavel winces a little. He feels so stupid and pitiful.

"Ah Pavel I'm sorry." Scotty says gently, pulling his own desk chair next to the sad Russian's. "You do like him don't you."

Pavel nods. He knows he does, there's no point in hiding it any more. "He doesn't like guys I guess, you remember that time when he hooked up with that other girl."

Scotty shrugs. "Perhaps lad, but you can't just go guessing these things."

Pavel starts avoiding Hikaru again, but what's worse is he barely notices. He spends all his time with Veesa anyway and it makes Pavel feel a little sicker every time he sees them together. They're so cuddly and irritating, he nearly flips a table just thinking about it. He knows that his frustration is about 90% jealousy but it doesn't stop him from obsessively hating on Veesa.

Scotty seems to think that trying to set Pavel up with other guys is a good idea and despite his protests Scotty still introduces him to one of the men in engineering. As soon as they're back home Pavel points out that just because they're both gay doesn't make them both compatible. Scotty agrees sheepishly. The guy was nice enough but certainly not his type. Pavel didn't even think he had a type. Whatever his type was, it was not the guy that Scotty introduced.

Thanks to Scotty's introduction a few rumours started spreading around (mainly engineering) that Pavel was gay. Pavel doesn't disagree with any of the rumours, and he feels that it's just people's curiosity rather than a mean sort of attack. Someone's probably told Sulu by now, and the Russian hopes to avoid any conversation about it. He knows it'll make things more awkward than they already are.


	16. Chapter 16

After several attempts to see or talk to Pavel, Sulu just goes over to his room and knock on the door. Pavel has an idea of who it is, but lets Scotty answer the door anyway. Scotty lets Sulu in and Pavel smiles at him, as if he's a little surprised to see him, and hasn't been trying to blatantly avoid him.

"Hey, I haven't seen you in ages."

"Yeah," Pavel agrees, deciding not to point out it's because of Veesa.

Sulu pulls up a chair next to Pavel's desk. "How's your study going? Every time I ask you to go somewhere you always say you're studying."

"I feel more behind this semester I guess…"

Scotty looks at him from across the room. He knows Pavel is lying, Pavel knows Pavel is lying, and yet somehow Sulu still doesn't.

"Want to go hang out now then if you're not too busy…"

Pavel can't put into words how much he wants to spend time with Sulu. Just the two of them, like old times.

"Is Veesa coming?" He asks, knowing that she'd probably go with them, just to make Pavel uncomfortable or to gloat even.

"No, no, why would she be coming? Never mind, get your stuff, I've got something cool to show you."

Pavel gets changed and follows Sulu through the twilight San Francisco. Seeing the city in the gentle orange light of the sky reminds Pavel what made him want to come here in the first place. The city is so different from Russia in its own beautiful way. He still has a worn out postcard of the Golden Gate Bridge from his father pinned up beside his bed. Sulu grew up in America so he seems mildly less impressed by the city. That's the one thing Pavel has always liked about space – no matter how longs he's there, he can never get bored of the scenery.

Sulu brings him into a small café in a back alleyway where the owners seem to recognise him as soon as he walks in the door. One of the owners has a few purple highlights through his hair and starts speaking to Sulu in Japanese. Pavel wasn't actually sure if he could speak Japanese. Sulu pulls him out to the back of the café, where there's a small outdoor garden with fairy lights.

"I didn't realise you spoke Japanese," Pavel says, smiling a little as he looks around at the tables lit with little tea light candles in jars.

"Not well," Hikaru laughs. "My mum always spoke it to my siblings and I when we were kids but I always replied in English. Do you have any brothers or sisters?"

"No. It's just me," Pavel replies. He'd always wished he had a younger sister or older brother to keep him company as a child.

"Lucky," Hikaru replies. "My sisters especially always annoyed me. They'd dress me up and paint my nails and stuff."

Pavel laughs and the waiter, who also seems to know Sulu, passes them a menu each.

The waiter says something to Hikaru in Japanese and he seems to dismiss the comment.

"They don't have any English menus at the moment so I guess I'm going to have to translate. My Japanese reading is terrible so bear with me okay?" Sulu laughs. Pavel nods and looks at the menu. He hasn't seen a printed menu in ages. All the ones nowadays are holographic and often have a language selection option. Pavel got used to setting the menus to Russian to save him time with reading the English. Sulu reads through the menu slowly and eventually, helps Pavel choose something. It's some basic teriyaki chicken dinner set thing but Sulu insists it'll be amazing and he's right. It comes with so much food that they can only just finish it.

Pavel tries to give him some money towards dinner but Sulu refuses to accept it.

"To be honest," Sulu smiles. "The guys there are my friends, and they said my 'date night' was on the house."

Pavel starts blushing. "Really? Where do you know them from?"

"Just family friends. My cousins used to run the business years ago and they're the new owners. I spent a lot of time with some of them as a kid. My sister was dating the purple haired guy actually."

The Russian enjoys learning about Sulu, not just about his family but about him as a person. It only makes not being with him harder, but it's something he can't help. Sulu starts asking Pavel about his family and he answers the questions in as little detail as possible. As a whole, the topic of family is kind of a danger zone for him. Sulu seems to get the idea and doesn't question the sudden change in topic.

 _ **(A/N)**_

 _ **If anyone here uses Wattpad I've posted up to chapter 21 on that. Thank you so much for the reviews, they're so in-depth and helpful and I really appreciate them. I just reached 53K on my word count for the whole story so yes plenty more to come. Thank you so**_ much _ **xxx**_


	17. Chapter 17

For a few nights, Pavel has vivid and realistic dreams about him and Sulu. He both hates it and loves it. It's nice being in Sulu's arms and in his company but it just makes waking up hurt more. Every time his eyes open there a blissful few seconds before he remembers Sulu is not his and is probably cuddled up beside Veesa as he holds his own pillow and sighs.

There are a few more incidents where Pavel seems the happy couple in the library and wants to push something over. He hates being reminded that Sulu doesn't like him. He feels that going out to dinner with Sulu was a bad idea. It made him hopeful and basically reversed all his efforts in avoiding him. He's trying to let go of his feelings for Sulu, but the even the thought of letting Sulu go hurts him.

Pavel is walking towards Sulu's dorm when he can hear what sounds like yelling. As he walks closer he can recognise the voice, it's Veesa's, with the occasional reply from Sulu. The Russian tries not to smile at the thought of them fighting. He's being a shitty friend to Sulu if he does but the idea of the two of them breaking up just has so much appeal.

Veesa storms out of the apartment and sends a death stare to Pavel. The young Russian frowns partially in surprise and also in anger.

The door's already open so Pavel walks in slowly, seeing his old roommate with his head in his hands. Maybe they did break up?

"Hey," he says quietly, waiting for Sulu to look up.

"Pavel? Hey, um now's not a good time."

The Russian nods. "I'm sorry, are you alright?"

Sulu looks into Pavel's deep blue eyes and sighs.

"Not really, I don't know. I just need…. Time? Space? Something, I don't know."

"Okay," he says quietly. "If you want someone to talk to, you know where I am."

Sulu nods and doesn't say anything as Pavel leaves. The way his curls fall around his eyes and his concerned pout drives Sulu mad. Veesa can literally read his mind, and she's starting to not like what she's seeing. She called him a 'creepy gay paedophile' and left. It's partially his fault for thinking about Pavel as they were getting into things, but she shouldn't have been reading his thoughts.

Scotty questions Pavel's subtle smug grin, and the Russian feels terrible about explaining why. Scotty seems annoyed that he's taking pleasure in the couple's relationship issues, but he doesn't comment much on it. He tells Pavel it's probably not healthy for him and leaves it at that.

Pavel goes back a few days later to check on Sulu and before he knocks on the door he can hear what sounds like moaning coming from the other side. He frowns and decides not to interrupt, walking back to his room. He feels stupid and angry again. He hates how Sulu's love life determines his mood. He gets to him room and beats the shit out of his pillow and lies into it, trying not to cry. Veesa's a mean, cold, bitch, especially to Pavel. He hates how they're probably having sex right now and afterwards they're going to lie there and smile at each other. Pavel deserves to be lying there with him. He appreciates Sulu and Veesa doesn't. Pavel can't help but feel she went for him because he was an easy target. He buries his head into his pillow and falls asleep, hoping everything will just disappear when he wakes up.

Pavel wakes up cold and uncomfortable. It's dark outside and he feels strange. He sighs and remembers everything that happened before he fell asleep. He hates waking up groggy and sad like this and he gets himself into the shower and just stays there for a while, thinking. The shower seems the only place he can find peace. Scotty isn't home yet and he doesn't really feel like explaining to him why he's in such a bad mood.

Of course, with Pavel's luck, Scotty asks him what happened not long after coming home. Pavel asks himself if he's really that transparent and tries to change the subject. Scotty gives him a look and the Russian just sighs, burying his head in hands.

"I think they did it…" Pavel mumbles, cringing as he speaks.

"Chekov don't mumble I can't hear you."

"They… they did it, they had sex…. I think…."

"You think?"

"Well I went over to the room and I heard…" Pavel's English is failing him and he can't think of the word. His English always suffers when he's flustered. He pulls his PADD out of his bag and frowns, typing in the Russian and waiting for it to load. "Moaning," he finally manages. "That's what I heard…"

Scotty shrugs awkwardly, "Well that doesn't necessarily mean sex… I guess."

Pavel gives him a slightly annoyed blank stare. "They were both-"

"Okay, yeah I guess… Are you jealous or?"

The Russians face quickly reddens. "I don't know, I- ah, I don't-"

Scotty raises his eyebrow and an amused smirk spreads across his face.

"I never spent time with children my age okay, I don't really know this stuff…"

"Wait, wait so you never did Sex Ed?"

"Sex Ed?"

"Sex education," Scotty elaborates, growing more and more amused by the flustered Russian. "My lord Pavel, you are too innocent. You have a lot to learn."

"No please, I get the basics. My father made me read some stuff and told me bits and pieces. Mainly about development but not… sex as a whole."

Scotty laughs and shakes his head. "We should get Sulu to teach you ay?" I'm sure you'd like learning a thing or two from him."

Pavel pouts. His face is bright red and he was hoping to avoid this subject altogether, Scotty is only making it worse.

"You're a man now Pavel. I'm gonna have to tell ya some things that-"

"Oh no, please don't."

"Pavel, there comes a stage in every young man's life where-"

"You're treating me like a child, stop it," Pavel says firmly.

Scotty stops. "You're going to need to learn this stuff eventually. Whether it's by yourself or from McCoy or me or whoever. You need to learn about diseases and dangers and stuff. On a professional and scientific point here. It's necessary to your health and wellbeing."

Pavel rolls his eyes. "Fine, I will, I will. Just don't pester me about it."

(A/N)

Hello, I wanted to address the fact that Pavel would have spent very little time with children his age. I think it's a necessary thread to explore. Hope you enjoy!


	18. Chapter 18

A few days after McCoy has called Pavel back into his office. The doctor weighs him again and the Russian has finally officially met weight goal. McCoy slaps him on the back and congratulates him for his improvement not just physically but mentally. Pavel doesn't have the heart to tell the doctor his mental state isn't hugely better than what it was after Delta Vega. He doesn't need any more therapy sessions where he just talks about himself and what's making him sad. As much as he hates to admit it, McCoy can't really do much for him other than listen to him and just be there.

The Russian thinks he's about to be let go from McCoy's reasonably cluttered office when the doctor makes him sit down.

"So I was talking to Scotty-"

Pavel's stomach lurches. "No."

"Well-"

"No."

McCoy sighs. "I'll send you some weblinks. You look at them, and we never speak of this again. Deal?"

Pavel thinks about protesting for a moment. "Fine," he agrees quietly. "You say nothing to Sulu, okay?"

McCoy raises his eyebrow. "Wait what does… Hold on, Pavel do you…?"

Pavel realises he's spoken too soon. "No, no I just, he's my friend and it'll just make things awkward if you tell him…" _Great save Pavel, really smooth._

McCoy smirks. "Your _secrets_ ," he says, emphasising the _s_ , "are safe with me." Pavel shoots him an annoyed glare and leaves the office. He's going to kill Scotty when he gets home.

The material that McCoy does send Pavel is painfully detailed. There's only so much description about Andorian Hepatitis that he can take. He reads through it reluctantly when Scotty isn't around to comment on it. He didn't know there are so many sexually transmitted diseases in existence. He had heard of a few of them but the list of them seemed never ending.

Pavel's train of thought is interrupted by a knock at the door. He hopes it not Sulu but he knows it probably is. He opens the door and it is Sulu standing there. He lets him in and tries not to act cold or awkward.

"You been busy again," Sulu chuckles. "I haven't heard from you in a while again. What have you been reading up on this time?"

 _Andorian Hepatitis_. "Not much," he lies. "Just a few physics theories that I'm thinking of doing a study on. I need to pick a topic for my end of semester assignment and there's a lot to choose from." Pavel makes sure to close the web page his PADD is on as he's talking.

"You alright? You seem… I don't know, different. Like upset or something. Is everything okay?"

Pavel wants to tell him to go away and tell him everything he knows about Veesa and him, but he refrains and denies anything's wrong.

"Why don't you answer my PADD messages then? I mean surely you don't spend every waking hour studying for several days on end. Did I say something or?"

"It's not important," Pavel says quickly, starting to get irritated and defensive. "I'm sorry I'm not as devoted to your messages as you'd like. Despite what people think I do have a life, okay?"

Sulu is taken aback by his sudden snap. "Look I wasn't getting angry at you but if you're that annoyed by me asking is my friend is okay then fine, I'll stop."

The Russian frowns a little and bites the inside of his lip. "It's not like you really care anyway, you're always too busy with Veesa." Pavel honestly doesn't know what's taking over him. It's probably the built up anger and sadness that's getting to him.

Sulu scoffs. "So this is what it's about? What's your problem with her anyway? You weren't interested… She's a nice girl and I like her a lot."

"I noticed," Pavel says coldly.

"Look you're acting… Crazy. I don't know where your anger is coming from, but I don't appreciate you taking out your teen angst on me."

Pavel snorts and tries not to cross his arms. "I think you should go."

"I don't know what you're problem is Chekov. Maybe McCoy can give you something for moodiness." With that Sulu leaves, closing the door behind him and striding off angrily.

Pavel starts crying angrily after he leaves and he punches his pillow a few times. He yells into his pillow, _"I'm sorry. Don't go, I want you."_

Scotty finds him crying and comforts him by rubbing his back in circles gently. He doesn't really know what he's doing but it worked on his cat and it seems to work on sad Russians too. Pavel pours out all the details about him getting angry and Sulu getting pissed at him. Pavel doesn't deny that there are things he shouldn't have said, but the whole teen angst comment really got to him. He hates liking Sulu so much, and he hates that Sulu likes Veesa and not him. Scotty listens and can't help but agree with Pavel. Maybe Sulu shouldn't have pursued Veesa out of respect, and Veesa definitely shouldn't have gone after Sulu, especially so quickly.

(A/N)

Yes, I know Pavel's having a temper tantrum. That's the point. Some people seemed to question its necessity but I think Pavel would get to a stage where all his built up frustration would explode.


	19. Chapter 19

A week passes and Pavel doesn't get any PADD messages. He knows Sulu won't send any but it doesn't stop him from checking. Sulu's birthday is nearing and Pavel doesn't really know what he's going to do. He decides to ask McCoy about it, giving as little details about their fight as possible. McCoy gives Pavel an uneasy look.

"Sulu's going away for his birthday…"

"And?"

"He's going with Veesa."

Pavel sits there stunned for a second. "Wher- where is he going?"

"New York I think."

Pavel pouts. He'd always wanted to see New York and some other touristy parts of America. McCoy can't help but be a little sympathetic. He was young and in love once. Pavel doesn't even have to say he likes Sulu, McCoy can just tell by now.

Pavel hopes Sulu will come talk to him or message him before he goes, but he doesn't and as he's walking to class he sees Sulu and Veesa outside his old dorm, struggling with their luggage and laughing together. It makes Pavel feel a little ill. Sulu is just slipping further and further away from him, and it hurts more and more the further away he gets.

It's Sulu's birthday and Pavel sends him a half birthday, half apology message. The truth is, he doesn't want to repair things with Sulu. He wants to be distant from Sulu so knowing that he can't have him doesn't hurt. He doesn't get a reply for a few days and Pavel figures he's too busy enjoying his life with Veesa.

Scotty wakes Pavel up in the afternoon and drags him out of his room. The Russian mumbles sleepy protest and Scotty ignores them. Sulu is sitting in the living room and Pavel's eyes widen a little.

"What's happening?" he asks sleepily.

"I just thought we should talk…" Sulu says quietly, lacking any obvious expression on his face.

Scotty gives Pavel a clap on the back and leaves the dorm.

"I'm sorry about last time…" Pavel starts quietly.

"I know. It's fine. I shouldn't have said that teen angst comment. I knew it'd hurt you and I said it anyway. I know this whole thing with Veesa hasn't really been fair on you, but I do like her and I'm not doing it to spite you or anything, and I don't think she did either."

Pavel nods and pretends he does think Veesa isn't going after to Sulu solely to annoy him. "I'm sorry for being so… Cold I guess."

Sulu shrugs. "It's fine. We all good now?"

 _Well you're still with that bitch and I'm hopelessly chasing after you, so no not at all_. "Yes, we're all good."

Sulu offers to cook Pavel dinner and after not having a proper meal in a few days he politely accepts, walking back to their old room. Pavel walks in and takes his shoes off, looking at Sulu's suitcase bursting open. Sulu had only been back for a few hours and hadn't bothered really unpacking anything yet. Pavel recognises some of Sulu's clothes but a lot of them are new and he doesn't like it. Either Veesa bought them for him or convinced him into buying them. It's not Sulu, and Pavel tries not to frown at the unfamiliar clothing.

Pavel helps with what he can in the kitchen, which isn't much altogether. He can peel and cut vegetables but that's about it. They're making vegetable tempura and Sulu doesn't let the Russian anywhere near the hot oil and makes him sit down and watch instead.

"We should make cocktails," Sulu mutters, slipping some battered eggplant into the oil.

"I'm not allowed to drink, remember?"

"Oh shit yeah, I forget that. Have you drunk alcohol before or-"

Pavel scoffs before Sulu can finish the sentence. "Don't you know where I'm from? I could outdrink you anytime."

"Is that a challenge?" Sulu asks laughing.

Pavel shrugs, "I wouldn't want to beat you."

Sulu widens his mouth in shock and puts more vegetables into the oil. "You're pretty competitive aren't you?"

Pavel grins, "you have to be if you want to get anywhere in my family. It's probably the only reason I got into Starfleet."

"Well, I think you got into Starfleet because you're incredibly gifted, talented and hard working. But competitive works too."

Pavel smiles and can't help but blush a little. He's received a few compliments in his time, but this one seems to have the most meaning.

"Fuck!" Sulu says loudly, interrupting Pavel's thoughts. "The oil splashed on my hand."

He starts running his hand underwater and the Russian cracks a grin. "And you wouldn't let me put the vegetables in because…? Why was it? I might get oil on myself, was it?"

Sulu frowns at Pavel's smug grin. "You're a lot more sarcastic than I imagined you'd be," he laughs. "And besides, you can't use chopsticks properly."

The Russian shrugs, "that is true."

Pavel promises that he'll cook next time, or at least try. He knows he mentioned it before but things kind of got in the way. His father was a pretty average cook, but he always made veal orlov, and it was one of Pavel's favourite food ever. He had seen his father cook it many times before, but he had never actually tried it himself. It couldn't be that hard… Probably.


	20. Chapter 20

Exams start rolling around and Sulu starts spending more time studying with Pavel. Veesa is an okay study partner but often they just get distracted. Sulu hasn't told his friend any details about Veesa. With any other girl he probably would share some stories but it just seems disrespectful to talk about it with him. Pavel doesn't seem overly concerned about exams. His attendance rate has gone back up to a nice 96% and he has been studying since the start of term. Pavel assignment is a generous 80 thousand words and Scotty reckons it's one of the best assignments he has read. Sulu helps check the English in the assignment and Pavel occasionally points out math inconsistencies in Sulu's work. The Asian finds it so easy to forget just how smart his friend really is.

A lot of preparations start going into the five-year mission and Pavel gets an online application quizzing him about who he'd prefer to share quarters with. He talks to Scotty about it and the Scotsman encourages him to write Sulu down. It doesn't take much convince him. Pavel can't help but love the fact that Starfleet doesn't generally allow men and women to share quarters. It's purely because they think it's easier for an individual to room with someone of the same gender, especially if they've never met. But it's a huge help to Pavel. As much as he enjoys sharing a dorm with Scotty, he would really enjoy being that close to Sulu again.

Sulu brings up the room application in conversation and Pavel decides not to lie about who he put down. Sulu seems quite surprised that he was the Russian's first choice.

"I'm surprised you put me down and not Scotty," he mutters. Pavel is unsure of what Sulu's reaction is. He seems surprised that's a certainty, but he can't tell if it's a good or bad surprise.

"Well, I think Scotty was keen to share a room with Keenser, you know the Roylan engineer? They haVE a theory that they want to work on or something." Pavel's statement is semi-true. Scotty probably will room with Keenser and he does want to work on a theory but Scotty never actually said anything about rooming with him for that reason. Close enough though, Pavel figures.

"I'd like to room with you again. I should admit that I do miss having you here." Sulu ends his comment with a small laugh. "Like it's nice having Veesa around but she can get tiresome and the whole thought reading thing makes me feel so…. Violated."

Pavel nods "I don't think I'd like someone reading my thoughts like that. It's an invasion of your privacy, no?"

"Yeah, I guess. A lot of the time she can't help it, but I don't know. It really gets to me."

Pavel tries to look concerned and not smile to himself. He's developed a theory that Veesa figured out he was never interested in her.

There's a small click from across the room and Sulu looks briefly at Pavel and then at the door. It opens and Veesa's there smiling.

"Hey, I just finished my prac report. We should celebrate."

Sulu looks at Pavel. "I did mention I was hanging out with Pavel this afternoon. Didn't I?"

Sulu's tone is cold and Veesa seems bothered by it. "I must have forgotten," she says flatly, yet smiling. Pavel tries not to roll his eyes and pulls his water bottle out of his bag and drinks from it, purely to avoid talking.

"Maybe we can celebrate another time," Sulu says firmly, getting a kiss on the cheek from Veesa as she passes him.

"It's fine," Pavel says quickly. "There's always tomorrow afternoon or another day."

Sulu opens his mouth to say something but closes it. Pavel starts putting his things into his bag. Sulu turns around and mutters something to Veesa, who promptly ignores it. She looks over at Pavel and studies him for a second. Her eyes widen and her mouth opens a little. The subtly confused expression on Pavel's face makes her quickly look at Sulu and rapidly pretend to be fine.

As Pavel is walking away from the dorm he can hear the door open again, and he expects Sulu to come after him but it's not him. Veesa's speed walking and Pavel stops, confused about why she's come after him.

"Sulu thinks I've come to apologise but you…"

Pavel can feel his face turning white.

"You like him. I can hear it, you like him a lot."

Pavel swallows. "Your telepathy must be broken."

She frowns. "Look, I really like him okay. You stay away from him, he's mine."

"I'm not after him. You're being ridiculous. What happened to you? You were so nice to me and now you just hate me or something…"

Veesa purses her lips. "I liked you, a lot. Like a whole lot, and you turning me away hurt. I figured it out way too late that you like guys…"

"Is that any reason to hate me…?"

"It is if you're competition."

"Are you saying that Sulu likes-"

Veesa cuts him off with a snarl, "I'm not saying anything Pavel. Stay away from my boyfriend okay. Stay away."

She turns around and walks back to the dorm and Pavel breathes a sigh of both relief and anger. He has a lot to tell Scotty when he returns.


	21. Chapter 21

On the way back to his room Pavel gets and email from his PADD and it's from the board of student relations. They're in charge of which ship he'll be assigned to, and more importantly who he'll be assigned with. He opens the email and scans through it and grins to himself. He's assigned to the Enterprise again. He keeps reading and nearly drops his PADD. He's head navigator again. He'll be on the bridge. He doesn't want to be on the bridge anymore, especially not on the Alpha shift. He keeps scrolling down and looks at his room assignment.

 _H. Sulu_

He smiles to himself. He'll finally be back with Sulu, just at is was before. He tells Scotty the news and is ecstatic to hear they assigned Scotty as chief engineer on the Enterprise. Neither of them are super surprised but due to their shifts being on at different times, they mightn't get much time to spend with one another. Scotty is put on the graveyard shift because they need him there with all the less experienced engineers. Scotty knows a lot of the people he'll be working with, and they're not that bad, but none of the love the Enterprise like he does. A few of his colleagues have made jokes about Scotty and the starship. One of them hid a ring in one of the circuit boards Scotty was fixing and when Scotty found it, proudly exclaimed _, "Ah looks like she finally wants to settle down with you sir."_ Pavel was there at the time, it was pretty hilarious.

Sulu has a few fights with Veesa in the lead up to final exams. Pavel doesn't even care what half of them are about, he's just glad they're happening. Scotty tells him off a few times but decided to not intervene too much. It's just a good thing Pavel's happy, regardless of what it's about; or at least that's what he tells himself. Pavel's a good listener, he doesn't take in much of what Sulu says because his thoughts are _elsewhere_ , but he gives Sulu advice (or tries to) and Sulu feels like he actually cares.

McCoy calls Pavel into another meeting and it's hardly a proper meeting, more so just a catch up on everything that's happened. It kills McCoy not to tell Pavel that Sulu did say he liked him. The doctor's unsure if that's still that case but he knows how much it'd lift Pavel spirits. He thinks about telling Sulu that Pavel likes him and frowns to himself. He can't really do that to Veesa, as much of a bitch as she seems to be. Pavel talks quietly about his confrontation with Veesa and how she knows. He's scared she'll use it against him somehow but he doesn't think she will anytime soon, not unless he gives her a reason to.

There's an in-space training camp for recruits who were involved in the Romulan incident. They've altered a few control panels and systems on the ship and Starfleet feels the need to better prepare the ensigns this time. Sulu and Pavel are sent to a slightly different camp as they're part of the bridge crew. Pavel's excited about the three whole uninterrupted days they'll have together, just the two of them. They're going to be put in their actual quarters and they'll have the same shift together. All Sulu's other friends are elsewhere and Sulu seems to be just as excited as him.

The training itself is tedious and boring with ridiculous amounts of mock scenarios and "what would you do if's." Sulu can keep calm for all of the questions but Pavel still gets nervous rushes of unwanted adrenaline and makes the occasional mistakes in his answers. Pavel scolds himself but from the other side of the control panel Sulu sends him reassuring smiles. Sulu still remembers the reassuring sympathetic smile he got from Pavel after _'leaving the parking brake on.'_ He still gets people who say 'external inertial dampener' under their breath now and again.

Sulu explains the cultural significance of _'Back to the Future'_ to Pavel as the TV plays quietly in the background. Pavel never saw it as a kid and Sulu argues it's one of those movies that you have to see. Pavel wants to show Sulu some of his favourite films but fears the English (somewhat inaccurate) subtitles will detract from the actual meaning. He didn't watch a lot of TV as a kid. He loved gaming when he wasn't studying, it was one of the few things he had in common with the people he went to school with. He liked all different kinds of games, strategy was probably his strongest suit. He could think, and he was fast.

Pavel enjoys all three instalments of the original Back to the Future. Sulu promises to watch the 2116 remake and the 2216 remake with him another time, but for now, he needs sleep and a lot of it. They're both a little sore from training and Pavel reckons he'll sleep soundly that night. He lies awake for a while just replaying everything that happened. It's nice knowing Sulu is only a room away again.

The room is warm when Pavel wakes up and he groans a little as he looks around in the darkness. It's only two hours after he first tried to get to sleep, but something's keeping him awake and he doesn't know what it is. He gets up and sits on the floor, stretching his sore neck a little. Maybe that's what's keeping him awake. He sits in the quiet and notices a light coming from under the bathroom door. He knocks on the door quietly and it opens. Sulu's there and his eyes are a little red and his face it etched with fatigue.

"You can't sleep?" Pavel says gently, leaning against the bathroom door. Sulu goes back to the basin and splashes his face with water.

"Something like that. Is it just a space thing or?"

Pavel shrugs. "Maybe. I didn't sleep much last time either but that was after…"

He doesn't bother finishing the sentence, Sulu knows what he's talking about. "I didn't sleep much then. What about the shuttle to Delta Vega? Did you sleep then?"

"A little," he admits. "I was still having nightmares and I was stressed about the being far away for so long."

"How will you go on the five-year mission then?" Sulu asks, half comically, half serious.

"I'll have you with me, yes? I should be fine then…" Pavel regrets saying it as soon as the words leave his mouth. He keeps like he keeps crossing the line between friends and lovers with his comments.

"Of course you will," Sulu grins. He's never had someone as close a friend to him as Pavel. As much as he dislikes the subtle romantic tension between them, he still really enjoys the Russian's company. He wonders what they're going to be like in five years' time. Part of him wonders if they'll even make it that far. Space is dangerous, something he feels he'll be constantly reminded of on board this Starship.


	22. Chapter 22

Pavel is sitting through the Lord of The Rings, another classic, must-watch movie in Sulu's opinion. He reckons it's the basis of all good fantasy literature, and after watching the first two, Pavel feels he may be right. Sulu relates Pavel to the hobbits a few times and they swear one of the characters looks exactly like Bones with long hair. Sulu gets a PADD message and reads it quietly while Pavel pauses the movie to send the photo to Bones.

Sulu's PADD clatters to the floor and Pavel looks up abruptly. Sulu's head is in his hands and Pavel places his hand gently on his shoulder.

"Hey, what happened? Are you alright?"

Sulu shakes his head and passes the PADD to the confused Russian. It's a message from one of Sulu's friends on the same training camp as Veesa. He said he saw her walking out of anther guys room, wearing someone else's uniform and carrying her own. Pavel lowers the PADD and looks sympathetically at Sulu.

"I'm so sorry Sulu…"

Sulu rolls his eyes. "That's the thing, you're not though, are you?"

Pavel bites his lip. "I'm trying to be…"

The Asian can feel tears pricking at his eyes. He didn't even think he liked her this much until now. "I'm sorry but I might ask you to leave. I think I need to be alone for a while."

Pavel nods and leaves, trying not to smile the slightest bit as he does. He hates seeing Sulu upset, but Veesa doesn't deserve or appreciate Sulu like he does. Veesa's just after whoever will make her happy in the short run, she was probably sick of all the fighting and just the next person who was willing to take her. Pavel frowns as he thinks about Veesa. He's glad things never went any further with her than they did.

Sulu doesn't talk much for the rest of the training camp. Pavel's a little disappointed that they didn't get to really enjoy the full length of their time together, but he keeps reminding himself that every day will be like this once he's graduated. He tries to help Sulu and talk to him but he seems to be annoyed but his attempts at sympathy, as genuine as they may be.

Pavel's still questioning Sulu's reaction to him indicating that a) he really doesn't like Veesa and b) that he's not bothered by Veesa breaking up with him, which has its own implications in itself. He wonders is Sulu suspects that Pavel likes him, and if he's okay with that if he does know. When Sulu's sleeping, Pavel goes to McCoy for answers.

McCoy seems almost glad to see Pavel. He waves him into his new office, which is slightly smaller but has a nicer vibe to it.

"I have something strange to ask. Do you know if Sulu knows that I like him?" Pavel feels so weird phrasing his sentence that way. The whole 'does he know I like him' thing seems so childish to him. It's a very middle school concept and Bones seems to think the same as he clears his throat.

"I don't think he does." McCoy is really quite desperate to tell him Sulu does have some kind of interest in him, it's just not his job to do so. They need to find out by themselves.

Pavel nods. "I don't know what to do anymore… I'm just getting so desperate."

McCoy frowns a little. He's been in love before, and he knows how much it hurts.

"You seem kinds distracted," Pavel points out. "Is everything okay with you?"

The doctor takes a deep breath and shrugs. "I'm in a custody battle over my daughter. My ex-wife wants her full time but I won't see her for five damn years when this mission gets underway. I want her at least half-time until then but I don't know what I'm going to do after that. My ex was saying something about sending her to school on Cerberus but…"

McCoy shrugs off his last comment and sighs again.

"How old is she?"

"Nine. She's a sweetheart. She wants to be a nurse."

Pavel smiles. He's always been unsure about children but something about them does appeal, even a little.

"You'll get custody. I'm sure you're a good father."

"Thanks, Chekov. You better head off, it's late."

Pavel doesn't argue, he can't be bothered at this stage. He thanks the doctor and wanders back through the quiet corridors of the starship. It's so peaceful knowing he's floating in the vast expanse of space, carried only by the metal below his feet. The more he thinks about it the crazier it is. He's really in space, and he's really just one with the vastness.


	23. Chapter 23

Sulu and Pavel are exiting the shuttle craft when Veesa runs up to him, about to give Sulu a hug. The Asian glares at her and walks straight past, not saying a word. Chekov stands there a little stunned and Veesa instantly snaps her gaze towards him. She starts walking towards him with her fists clenched tightly and the Russian takes a few steps back in surprise and fear.

"You," she mutters through clenched teeth.

Pavel frowns and stands up a little straighter. "He knows what you've done. He doesn't want you anymore. You're a bad person Veesa, it's about time he found that out."

Veesa mouth opens a little and she looks up and down at Pavel. Pavel rolls his eyes and walks off, striding fast in the hopes of catching up with Sulu. The Asian's not far ahead and seems to be waiting for the Russian.

"What did she say?" Sulu asks through gritted teeth.

"Not much actually," Pavel says honestly. "I did the talking."

Sulu raises an eyebrow. "Well," he continues, "I said you know what she has done and that she was a bad person." He deliberately excludes the statement he made about Sulu not wanting her anymore. Sulu never said that. Pavel just assumes (and hopes) it's true.

A small scoff escapes Hikaru's lips. "Nice one. Thank you for that, I don't really want to deal with her."

Pavel grins. "I'm sure she won't bother you for a while."

The Russian is wrong, however, very wrong. He can hear a loud argument coming from their old room and he doesn't need to guess to know who it is. He can't exactly hear what they're saying but he doesn't really need to. There's just a whole lot of yelling. He wonders whether he should just leave or try and interrupt them. He does have the data chip Sulu lent him that he needs back, but he really doesn't want to get into the middle of anything.

Pavel contemplates his options for a minute and knocks on the door loudly, regretting it seconds later. Sulu opens the door and honestly seems a little relieved to see the Russian standing there.

"I'm sorry for the bad timing but you'll probably need this…"

"It's fine," he dismisses quickly, "And thank you."

Veesa is glaring at Pavel from the other side of the room and he looks back to Sulu and nods curtly, about to leave.

"You know what," Veesa says loudly. "I'll go."

She walks past the two and knocks Pavel on the way past. She turns around to look at the two. "If you two bastards want to fuck each other so much why you just fucking do it!?"

Pavel can't breathe, he's standing there frozen and panicking. Sulu is very much the same, he just hides it better. Pavel mutters something about having to go and Sulu just nods, not wanting to have to explain what's happening anyway. Veesa feels likes he's been unfaithful because of his obvious feeling towards the young Russian. What is itching at him is her use of the term 'you both.' Both as in Pavel feels the same? He's pretty sure that's what she means.

"That bitch told Pavel," Sulu says loudly, walking into McCoy's office.

"Hey! Watch your language!" He barks at Sulu, making him jump a little. Sulu is so confused for a second until he looks to the corner of the room and sees a young girl, staring up at him.

"Oh."

"This is Joanna," Bones says quietly, glaring at Sulu. "Say hi, Jo."

"Hi Jo," she giggles.

Sulu laughs, she's certainly inherited his sarcasm. McCoy laughs and picks her up, calling her a cheeky monkey and throwing her over his shoulder. "We've been cooped up in this office for too long. My shift should be over soon, we can talk about this in a park or something."

Jo is a nice kid, McCoy seems like such a different person around her. It's so easy to see how much he loves her. She looks a fair bit like him, the brown hair and brown eyes are identifiably his. So is her sarcasm and quick witted response. Sulu doesn't mind her. He still feels pretty guilty for swearing in front of her but McCoy has probably let slip much worse profanity.

McCoy's ex has agreed to give him custody for a little while why she sorts some things out with her lawyer. She doesn't want McCoy to have her long but she doesn't want to isolate Jo either. McCoy explains the whole situation and Sulu finds it quite refreshing to not be the one complaining, for once. Being a doctor would tire Hikaru, having to handle everyone's problems all at once. It makes him feel bad for unloading all his emotional baggage onto McCoy.

Eventually, Sulu catches McCoy up on the whole issue with Veesa and Pavel and McCoy seems to be quite unsurprised by the whole thing. He has a lot to say but holds it back while Sulu adds some details.

"Look," McCoy says honestly, "just like you, he's come to talk to me, and he's conflicted too. He likes you a whole lot, Sulu. But, if you go after him, I'm going to beat the shit out of you."

Sulu blinks blankly.

"He's too young. You can't go after him when he's still seventeen and I disagree with you going after him when he's 18 either. Hell, he can't even drink yet, you shouldn't be corrupting him."

"Corrupting him?" Sulu scoffs angrily. "I'm not going to fuck his brains out Leo, Jesus, I just want to spend time with him and talk to him and stuff… Is that too much to ask?"

McCoy's nostrils flare. "You'll leave him alone till he's legal, you hear? Or I'll damn report you for statutory rape." Sulu is about to argue but ignores it and walks off, leaving him there with his arms folded. The doctor knows Sulu will ignore him and he's planning to make sure he doesn't.

Sulu and Pavel don't talk for a few days and it makes things weird between them around the campus. Sulu eventually invites Pavel over just to hang out and Scotty urges him to go.

"It's not a date," Pavel clarifies for the fourth time, rolling his eyes at Scotty from across the room. He's finishing his lunch before he goes and Scotty won't stop going on about it. Pavel keeps insisting it's not a date but Scotty feels it probably is. Pavel puts his plate into the sink and picks up his bag.

 **(A/N)**

 **Apologies I haven't updated for a while but I have finished writing this piece entirely so I am just left to publish it all. Hope you enjoy and feel free to review.**


	24. Chapter 24

Sulu seems happy to see him and they spend time kind of like they always had. They're watching another American classic, Independence Day, and Sulu's giving him a whole rundown of people's view of aliens at the time and how the movie was an impressive feat for its time. Pavel enjoys listening to him and just sitting beside him and talking. It's so clam and simple and the whole world just disappears around him.

Quite a few movies later it's getting late and Pavel starts falling asleep on the couch. He's so warm and happy and Sulu smiles at him from the other side of the lounge. It seems a shame to wake him but he has to either get the Russian to bed here or back at his dorm. He nudges Pavel's side and he yawns sleepy and it makes Sulu's heart melt.

"Mmmmm sorry I fell asleep," He says quietly, rubbing his eyes. "It's so warm in here," he laughs.

Sulu smiles. "You should get to bed. You're welcome to sleep in your room or with Scotty."

"Sleep with Scotty?" Pavel laughs. "I don't think he's gay," he grins in his sleepy and delirious state.

Sulu chuckles. "You're funny when you're tired."

"I'm always funny," he mutters. "Humour was inwented in Russia you know?"

Sulu cracks up and Pavel smiles, closing his eyes again. He has no interest in returning to his dorm or sleeping in his room here. He just wants to fall asleep with Sulu on the couch and hold him for a while.

"Come on," Sulu smiles, "you can sleep here, you're too tired to walk back to Scotty's dorm"

Sulu helps carry the sleepy Russian into his old room. He probably could have walked there himself but he likes having Sulu's arm firmly around his waist. He says goodnight to Sulu and falls asleep quickly, smiling to himself because he finally feels things are coming together.

Pavel's woken up at night by a screaming and crying and he runs out of the room looking for Sulu. Sulu's in his bed shaking and tossing and turning and Pavel wakes him up abruptly. The Asian can hardly talk and is too out of breathe to make any kind of sense. Pavel gets him a glass of water and sits on the bed beside him.

"I was on the drill again," Sulu finally manages. "The Romulans I killed, they were there but they wouldn't die and they slaughtered Kirk in front of me and…"

Sulu doesn't need to finish, Pavel gets the idea.

"I'm a murderer," Sulu says quietly.

"You're not a murderer."

"I killed them, I'm a murderer."

Pavel pulls him into a hug and Sulu feels like crying. "You're not a murderer. You were trying to save Vulcan, anyone else would have done the same."

Sulu lets go and looks at the Russian. It's too dark to properly see the blue in his eyes that he loves so much. "I'm sorry for waking you up."

Pavel doesn't say anything, he's too fixated on the fact he's so close to Sulu. He wants to test the waters so badly. He raises his hand up to Sulu's cheek and brushes it with the ends of his fingers. Sulu doesn't object because he loves it that much, but he knows he's doing the wrong thing.

"Pavel," He mutters, in a half cautious and half worried tone. The Russian ignores him and is leaning in closer to his cheek. He presses his lips against Hikaru's cheek and the Asian moves away a little.

"Pavel don't."

"Sulu, please. I want you-"

"We shouldn't. Pavel, stop okay, stop."

Pavel's still placing soft kisses on Hikaru's cheek and as much as he loves it he pulls away.

"I can't okay," he says forcefully.

"Why not?" Pavel whines. "You don't like me or?"

"It's complicated okay," Sulu snaps. Pavel can feel tears pricking at his eyes and he leaves the room, frowning. He was so sure Sulu liked him but now everything just feels like it's falling apart. He puts his uniform back on, takes his bag and leaves. It's freezing outside but Pavel doesn't care. He glad the campus in empty and no one can hear his sobs. Sulu has hurt him and his words are like an open wound across Pavel's chest.

Scotty's was asleep until Pavel came in but the sobs coming from the room opposite his wake the Scotsman up. He knocks on Pavel's door and gets no reply. He opens the door anyway and Pavel is there with his face in a pillow sobbing helplessly. Scotty rubs his back gently and Pavel swears he has never felt more alone in his life.


	25. Chapter 25

Chapter Twenty Five

Pavel skips classes for a few days and it gets Scotty and Sulu both worried. They're scared his weight will drop again and he'll return to his stressed and unhappy state that he was in after the Romulan incident. Pavel doesn't do anything other than read and occasionally leave his room for the bathroom or for food but other than that Scotty barely sees him. He tries to get Pavel to come help with engineering again but he declines. McCoy sends him emails and messages but Pavel just ignores them all. Sulu even tries messaging him but Pavel doesn't even read the messages yet alone reply.

McCoy has mixed feelings when Sulu explains what happened. He's glad that Sulu cut things off but he feels like Sulu cut them off too late, that he should have made things clear from the start. McCoy watches Joanna play with a nurse's kit in the corner of the room and sighs.

"I don't know what to do honestly," the doctor says quietly. "He's pretty sick Sulu. It's not the kind of sick I can just fix. He's gonna need to work through this in his own time."

Joanna seems to be playing innocently in the background but she's listening. If her dad can't make someone sick better then what must be wrong with them? She looks up at the two men and back down at her nurses kit. She gathers it up and tugs on her dad's shoulder. "I'm going to the bathroom okay?" Bones nods and lets her leave as he's talking to Sulu. He really needs to think of something to do for the young Russian.

The receptionist loves Joanna and watches her as she heads towards the door.

"Joanna, does your dad know where you're going?"

"Yeah," she lies. "I'm going on a mission."

"Okay sweetie, just be back soon yeah?"

Joanna's already gone and the nurse shrugs, that girl's a funny kid.

Pavel groans when he hears a knock at the door. Scotty's not there so he has to answer it. He's suspecting Sulu or McCoy coming to talk to him, but when a nine-year-old girl is standing in front of him, he's pretty surprised.

"Are you Mister Chekov?" She asks.

"Yeah?" He says confused.

"I'm Jo. I'm a nurse. I'm gonna make you better."

Chekov's head cocks to the side. "Are you Doctor McCoy's daughter?"

"Yeah. He said you're sick. So I'm gonna make you better okay?"

Joanna doesn't wait for an answer. She just walks inside. Pavel looks at her confused and closes the door.

"Does your dad know you're here?" He asks, watching as she unpacks her nurse's kit onto the table.

"Um yeah. You should sit down."

"I'm not sick," Pavel says, sitting down at the table.

"Yeah, you are. My dad said so. He said he doesn't know how to help you, so I will."

"I'm not sick okay, it's not the same kind of sick you're thinking of."

Joanna pulls out her PADD and opens a blank note and starts writing on it. "Name?"

"You know my name you said it before…"

"Name?"

"Pavel Chekov. This really isn't necessary okay I can-"

"Age?"

"Seventeen."

"Date of birth?"

"Joanna this isn't necessary."

"Birthday isn't important. You're a boy yes?"

"This isn't really- wait, what? What's that supposed to mean?"

"Nothing. What are your symptoms?"

"I don't know what-"

"Symptoms means things that are wrong with you like a headache or vomiting."

"Joanna I know what symptoms are. I don't have any okay. I don't need your help, as much as I appreciate it but I really just want to be alone okay?"

"I'll put down irritability. What else?"

"I'm not irritable!" He says, irritated.

Joanna raises an eyebrow at him just like McCoy does. Pavel can definitely see the resemblance.

"I'm gonna check your temperature," she says adamantly. She pulls out a tricorder probe and starts waving it around his face and Pavel just gives in and lets her continue her examination. He can't be bothered arguing with a particularly stubborn nine-year-old.


	26. Chapter 26

Chapter Twenty-Six

"Where's Jo?" McCoy suddenly asks, realising she has been gone for 15 minutes now. Sulu stands up and opens the door, looking around the medbay and shooting McCoy a worried look. McCoy gets up abruptly and runs out in the foyer, calling her name.

"Samantha," he calls to the receptionist, "Have you seen Jo?"

"Yeah, she went outside just before. She said she was on a mission, and she said you knew where she was going."

"She said she was going to the bathroom! Fuck, she's run off. Come on," he says ushering Hikaru along.

The two run through the campus calling her name and looking for her. Sulu swears he's never seen the doctor move so fast. They've checked the library the park and the playground and she hasn't been there. McCoy has gone a dangerous shade of white and Sulu keeps calling out her name as they stop to try and catch their breath. A door opens in a nearby dorm and Pavel pokes his head out seeing the two standing there panting.

"Are you looking for Jo?" He calls out.

The two run over to him and McCoy pushes straight past Pavel into the room and sees Jo there, writing out her med report.

Pavel has about seven bandages around him and looks to Sulu, confused as McCoy picks Joanna up and holds her.

"Don't you ever run off again, you hear? You scared the life out of me."

He puts her down and turns to Pavel. "Why the fuck didn't you tell me she was here?" he asks in a quiet tone, keeping an eye on Joanna as she goes back to her med report.

"She said you knew she was here. Don't snap at me, it's not my fault you weren't watching her," the Russian says boldly, taking the bandage off his wrist.

McCoy glares at him and sits down at the table, taking a few deep breaths and sighing. "You're in so much trouble for lying Joanna."

Joanna looks up at Pavel with an innocent look and goes back to her report.

"Why is she here anyway?" Sulu asks, looking at the bandages on Pavel.

"You said he was sick, so I came to help him feel better."

Sulu mutters a small ' _aww'_ under his breath and McCoy and Pavel look at each other. Joanna might be stubborn and sarcastic but she cares a lot, and they all know she does actually get that from her dad.

McCoy takes Joanna home to finish her med report and Sulu and Pavel are left alone again. It's awkwardly quiet and Pavel has really no intention of talking to Sulu. Sulu broke his heart and he can't just let that go straight away.

"Can we talk or?"

"I don't want to," Pavel says quietly, avoiding eye contact. He misses the taste of Sulu's cheek. He was desperately hoping he could have kissed his lips, and now he wished he just had.

"I'm sorry Pavel, but I think it's for the best."

Pavel's eyes are pricking with tears and his fist is clenched around the pillow he has on his lap. "Karu..."

Sulu's stomach tightens. He loves it when Pavel calls him that. It's so fucking cute and the Asian has to bite his lip so he doesn't grab Pavel and pull his lips to the Russian beside him.

"Please... I love you Karu... Please?" His eyes start watering and he puts his hand on Sulu's cheek again.

It takes everything Hikaru has in him to stop himself. Bones is right, engaging Pavel like this is wrong and he can't. The more he hesitates the closer Pavel gets to him.

"Chekov. I can't – we can't okay. I'm sorry I-" Sulu can't finish the sentence. Pavel needs to bite his lip to hold in sobs and he looks bitterly at Hikaru and leaves the room. He sobs into his pillow and Sulu sits and lets his self-hate eat away at him. He hates hurting Pavel like this, it's not what he wants. He starts crying too and gets up and leaves, hoping that he can find a way to fix this.

Sulu throws a book against a wall when he gets back to his room and he flips the table over. He's not one to get violent often but at the moment he just needs anything that will get his mind elsewhere. He hates McCoy and he hates himself. That look of betrayal on Pavel's face still haunts him. What's worse is Pavel said he loved him, and what's _even_ worse is he loves him back, but just can't say it.


	27. Chapter 27

Chapter Twenty Seven

As soon as Scotty hears sobbing again he's worried and comes straight into Chekov's room. Sulu left half an hour ago but the pain is still fresh and burning into Pavel like a fire of pure longing and sadness. Scotty asks what happened and Pavel tries to explain but can't find the words.

"I told him I loved him!" He blurts out and Scotty's eyes widen a little at the sudden outburst. "I love him, Scotty," he says quietly. "I love him so much and he just doesn't-" Pavel can't finish the sentence. Scotty understands and just holds him, letting the Russian cry into his shoulder. He passes him a few tissues and Pavel takes them, wiping his eyes and trying to brush some curls away. He's forgotten to get his hair cut since the Romulan incident and it's starting to grow a little out of control, but he kinda likes it that way. Scotty pats his back gently and Pavel finally tells him everything that happened.

McCoy is irritable when Sulu starts complaining to him. Jo has gone back to her mother and it could be as long as a month before he sees her again. Sulu doesn't hide the fact he's pissed at the doctor, but McCoy simply doesn't care. He's still adamant that Sulu should wait until Pavel's more mature and in a better state of mind. Sulu starts arguing he _would be_ in a good state of mind if it weren't for McCoy's pestering. McCoy continues to ignore him.

Time seems to drag on slowly for Pavel. Scotty pushes him into going back to class but it hardly makes anything better. Everything just passes slowly and painfully. He keeps seeing Sulu around the campus and it makes his stomach lurch every time. He does everything to avoid him and Sulu just doesn't have the energy to try and talk to Pavel.

Surprisingly, Pavel's marks go up due to his almost obsessive studying. He keeps telling himself Starfleet and his dream of navigating again is all he has. He wants to be a great officer and studying is just something he's good at. All his revision is printed neatly on cards and when exams come around again he aces every one of them and even gets 100% in one of them. He nearly cries when he sees the mark and Scotty slaps him on the back happily and they go out for the night to celebrate. Scotty shows him a retro arcade and they play a game of laser tag and despite how terrible Pavel's aim is, he still has a really good time and manages to forget everything that has been eating away at him. On their walk home, they walk past a bar and Pavel can see a group of Sulu's friends. He looks closer and sees Sulu amongst them and instantly increases his pace towards the dorm. He's getting sick of just avoiding him, but it's all he feels he can do.

Both Scotty and the doctor urge Pavel to try and find a hobby to get his mind off things. Pavel doesn't really want to, he's passionate about his work as Starfleet officer, reading and that's about it (with the exception of Hikaru Sulu.) They try to get him to sign up for clubs but nothing really takes his interest and the Russian argues that he's too busy studying.

As Pavel's walking back from class another cadet accidentally knocks into him, making them both fall to the ground. The cadet only looks a little older than Pavel and starts helping him gather his things off the ground.

"Hey are you Pavel Chekov?" the guys asks, studying the Russian.

"Um, yes. Sorry, have we met?"

"No," he says, passing Pavel the last of his pens and pencils. "I'm Argos, I heard you're good with mathematics? I'm looking for someone to start a club with me."

Pavel's mouth opens a little bit. "I'm sorry but I really don't think I'm interested in starting any clubs. Did Dr McCoy or Montgomery Scott put you up to the by any chance?"

"Dr McCoy said you were good at mathematics, maybe you could at least hear me out?"

"I'm sorry, I'm not interested." Pavel starts walking away and Argos runs to catch up with him and stands in front of him.

"I think you'll really like it. Please?"

Pavel sighs and looks at the man in front of him. He's tan and has thick black hair and slightly slanted eyes, almost Asian but not entirely. He hates saying no.

"Fine."

Argos drags him into the library and passes Pavel a small cube. It's covered in brightly coloured squares and Pavel frowns at it.

"Seen one of these before?"

"Is it a Redbrick Cube or something?"

"Rubik's Cube," Argos corrects. "You turns the sides and try and get all the colours on each side to match."

Argos turns around and shuffles through a few books. "Now, it's kinda hard when you start off, but there's an algorithm to learn how to solve them. Once you can solve them without problems, you go for speed. I want to start a speed solving club and I think once I teach you the basics you can-"

Argos stares blankly at Pavel as he turns around.

The cube is in front of Pavel where it was before, solved.

"How did you?"

Pavel shrugs.

"Keep that cube, I'll replicate another one. I wanna get you to solve it in under 15 seconds. So you in or?"

Pavel looks at the cube again. "Okay."

Within a few days, Pavel gets his time down to just over 10 seconds. He wants to learn to blind solve it and he thinks he could even try and break a record for it. Argos recruits a few more people and once a week Pavel teaches them how to solve the cube. He gets quite obsessive over the puzzle and spends a ridiculous amount of time on it. He doesn't know whether he enjoys speed solving for the mental challenge or for the fact it makes him forget Sulu for long periods of time in a row.


	28. Chapter 28

Chapter Twenty-Eight

McCoy watches in shock as Pavel solves the Rubik's cube in 10.88 seconds. He stares at the Russian a little while and just shakes his head.

"You scare me sometimes, you know that."

The Russian breaks out into a grin. "I want to get it in five seconds and then learn to blind solve it."

"You're crazy, but at least you found a new hobby."

Pavel shrugs. "At least I can take my mind off things, it's nice to have something to make me stop thinking about Hikaru."

McCoy's face softens. "I think he's doing the right thing. You know, with you being so young and all."

Cogs start turning in Pavel's mind and he looks at the doctor. "Wait, what do you mean…?"

McCoy realises he's screwed up. "You're still underage Chekov, he shouldn't be going after you."

"Wait, wait, wait, you didn't talk Sulu out of being with me because of my age, did you?"

"Chekov…"

"You didn't."

"You're too young okay, he needs to respect that. I think that really-"

"No," he says boldly, standing up. "I don't care what you think. Starfleet is about diversity and if we can treat species or gender or sexuality the same way then why the hell can't I be respected as a normal part of this establishment because of my age?"

"Because if something goes wrong Sulu's gonna end up in court or on the sex offender's registry! If you really loved him you wouldn't put him in that kind of danger."

Pavel's mouth drops open. How dare McCoy not only force Sulu into avoiding him, but also emotionally blackmail him.

"You can't tell me what to do with my decisions okay? I'm only seventeen for three more months and I am not going to let you get in the way of what I need in my life."

Pavel leaves before he can hear the rest of McCoy's argument. The one thing the Russian hates more than feeling sad, is feeling angry. He gets home and pegs a grapefruit at the wall. He didn't even know they had a grapefruit there, but it made a crack in the wall and spattered everywhere, and that makes him feel a little better.

"Oi Chekov, why is there grapefruit all over the wall?"

He ignores Scotty calling out to him and goes back to his seven by seven cube. They take him longer to solve but his times are comparatively better on the larger and harder cubes.

"Did you throw the grapefruit at the wall?"

"I guess."

"Well you either did or you didn't, laddie."

"Okay, whatever, I threw the stupid fruit at the wall I'll clean it up later."

"What happened?" Scotty asks gently. He's never really seen Pavel angry before and he doesn't really like it.

"I don't really want to talk about it." Pavel loses his train of thought and forgets where he's going with the seven by seven cube. He sighs and puts it down on the table, running his hands through his hair.

Scotty decides to leave him be. Pavel goes back to work on his cube and frowns. The cube isn't giving him the normal peace it does with Sulu related problems. It makes me him want to get a harder cube but Argos said no more cubes (or any other shaped coloured puzzle) until he can solve the seven by seven in under three minutes. He's pretty close but he knows that after losing his concentration he's going to have to start again.

The Scotsman ends up finding out why Pavel's angry through McCoy. Scotty talks about it gently with Pavel as he scrubs the grapefruit off the wall. The citrus smell is still pungent throughout the kitchen and the Russian does feel a little a guilty about it. Scotty helps him refill the crack he made in the wall. Pavel tries not to throw another piece of excessively large fruit at the wall as he talks about McCoy and then about Sulu. Pavel calls him a coward and Scotty tries not to get too concerned over the acrimonious tone of his voice.

Pavel gets his time to 2:45.11 on the seven by seven, beating a former world record. He's still a fair way off from developing the speed in his hands but Argos is proud of his progress. Argos is half Greek, half Chinese and all talent when it comes to cooking. Pavel thought Sulu could cook but after having a few club meetings in Argos's dorm, he is quite mistaken. Argos's cooking follows not distinct culture but it is flavoursome and wholesome and Pavel loves it. He leaves all the meetings feeling full and too slow to solve any more cubes.

Weirdly enough, Argos's speciality is the one-handed 3x3 cube. He can solve it with one hand and in all honesty it kind of scares Pavel and the other club members. Their total attendance has gone up to seven people. Argos, Pavel, a human engineer Pavel met on Delta Vega, an Andorian woman, two twin girls of a species Pavel can't actually identify and a Vulcan man who insists building speed in his hand is logical.

The twin girls Pavel helps with the 3x3 cubes seem to be nice. They're a little flirty but they're super funny and insults they throw at each other are hilarious. Pavel is in tears listening to them one day and he can't even finish his solve with them. They're so perfectly in sync with ideas and comebacks and the way they pay out Argos just makes Pavel feel so at home amongst the group. He can't exactly pronounce their names right but he tries and in return they purposely mispronounce his and it makes him grin every time.


	29. Chapter 29

Chapter Twenty-Nine

Sulu and McCoy haven't heard from Pavel in almost a fortnight and they argue about who should go check on him. McCoy knows Pavel's still going to hate him but Sulu thinks he's going to hate him even more. Sulu eventually gives in and finds the young Russian in his room. He's working on the generic three by three cube and Sulu watches him in awe for a moment before getting his attention.

Pavel's fairly surprised to see him there and doesn't really know how he feels. He's glad to see him for the first time in weeks but he's angry that a. he hasn't visited him earlier and b. he's ignoring how he really feels because of what McCoy is saying. There is an awkward tension between the two as Sulu sits on the end of his bed.

"How have you been?" Sulu asks, unsure of what else to say.

"Better," he replies honestly. He feels like he's starting to ground himself more with people but it still doesn't change how he feels about the man sitting nervously on the edge of his bed.

"I'm glad to hear that," Sulu half smiles. Pavel can feel the sincerity and it kinda hurts to think he does still care. "McCoy told me about the Rubik's cubes." He grins, looking at Pavel's dresser, neatly aligned with different levels of solved puzzle cubes.

Pavel reaches over and passes Sulu the two by two cube to try. It's simple enough and he solves it while talking to Pavel after a few minutes. It's nowhere near Pavel's impressive four seconds but not bad for a first try.

For a while, they just sit and talk and solve cubes together. Sulu gets stuck on the three by three a few times and Pavel helps him occasionally. He likes helping Sulu. Whenever he tried to help people in high school, even with the best intentions they always took it as a bratty sort of gesture and rejected his efforts. He expected the same from the students at Starfleet but they seemed to welcome his help instead. Pavel enjoys not feeling on edge as they talk and how carefree things start to become after a short while.

Sulu's PADD goes off with a few questionable comments from McCoy. Pavel suggests replying back 'he's busy' to piss the doctor off and he kind of expects Sulu to laugh off the comment but that's exactly what Sulu does reply and they watch laughing as a rapid stream of message come from the doctor. Pavel feels a little weird seeing this stream of messages come through about Sulu having illegal sex him but he tries to just ignore it as McCoy swears at the two of them. The messages stop after a few minutes and after another five minutes, there's knocking at the door. The two of them crack up laughing and Pavel tries to hide the fact he's super nervous about the thought of seeing McCoy.

McCoy spends a solid fifteen minutes lecturing the two and goes into way too much detail about why they shouldn't be having sex. Sulu is trying his best to fight off a boner and Pavel just stares at the floor the whole time. Pavel is still angry and there's a lot he wants to say.

"Now you two are going to keep it in your pants, you hear me?"

"Yes, we get it, okay?" Pavel said irately. "I'd appreciate it if you stopped treating me like a child."

"You are a child dammit. You can't even go buy a fucking goldfish in a pet store Pavel. You're not as grown up at you think you are. Intelligence doesn't equal maturity."

"Jesus McCoy, he's been through a lot, how can you not call him mature after that." Sulu makes a sharp eye contact with McCoy and there's a moment of solid tension where the doctor looks like he's going to hit Sulu.

"You listen to me Sulu if anything you're the one being immature he. If you do care about him you need to look after him and not try and fuck his brains out."

Pavel's face quickly reddens and Sulu stands up, matching the doctor's height. "No, you listen to me you grumpy bastard. For the last fucking time, I'm not trying to 'fuck his brains out' alright?! Don't you get it, I just want to be with him like I would any other person."

Everything else is a blur as the yelling just dissipates around Pavel. McCoy pushes Sulu and pushes back and Pavel jumps in between them before they can start a real fight. There's a lot of yelling and Scotty bursts through the door, followed by Spock. They break up McCoy and Sulu. Pavel sits back down and starts breathing heavily. Scotty's holding Sulu and Spock is keeping a close eye on McCoy.

"I would like to inquire as to what exactly is going on here, gentleman."

"Sulu's a paedophile," McCoy says sharply crossing his eyes.

"I'm not a paedophile!"

"He's seventeen, dammit!"

"Sulu did you engage in-"

"Spock, no, no I didn't do anything with him. I like him okay? Is that such a terrible thing?"

Pavel looks at Scotty and he feels like he's close to tears. He hates being in the middle of everything and he hates feeling like he's causing everyone problems. Scotty sends him a sympathetic look and loosens his grip on Sulu.

"Lieutenant Sulu, I believe it is unwise for you to pursue a romantic relationship with Mr Chekov. As he is still underage, it is against Starfleet regulations for you to do so. I suggest for the sake of your professional career you withhold from engaging with each other further until Ensign Chekov turns eighteen."

Sulu sighs and sits down beside Pavel. Scotty looks awkwardly at McCoy and Spock and the doctor shrugs in return.

"I'm going back to my office. You two need to figure things out." The doctor leaves and Spock watches as the door closes.

"I advise that you two remain colleagues and friends but nothing further. I wish you two all the best. If the doctor tries to initiate another argument please do not hesitate to contact me.

"Thank you, Spock," Pavel says quietly. The Vulcan leaves and Scotty goes to his room to give the two some time to talk. It's silent for a while and neither of them really know what to say or how to feel. Knowing Sulu likes him and gives Pavel confidence in them but he also doesn't want to cause any issues professionally.

"I don't know what to do Pavel," Sulu says quietly.


	30. Chapter 30

Chapter 30

It's silent for a few seconds and Pavel mutters 'I don't know,' quietly under his breath.

"Karu…" He says gently, finally looking up at the young man next to him. Hikaru's almond eyes study Pavel as if he can find the answer somewhere on his face. "Karu, would you wait for me…?"

"Wait for you?"

"Yeah, just until I turn eighteen. It's not long now…"

"You're worth waiting for Pavel. It's just…"

"Just what?" Pavel asks, hungry for answers. He can't read Sulu's face and he doesn't even know what's running through his own head. He just wants one thing – Hikaru Sulu, even if he has to wait for it.

"I'm worried that I'm not right for you."

Pavel's mouth falls open a little bit. "You're kidding right? Karu you know-"

"Pavel," Hikaru interrupts. "Hear me out." The Russian closes his mouth and shuffles a little closer to him. "You've never dated, right? How do you know I'm the right person for you? I like you a lot Pav, I don't want to ruin our friendship and most of all I don't want to hurt you."

Pavel's heart skips a beat when Sulu calls him Pav. "It can't hurt me more than what I'm hurting without you."

Sulu smiles. "What if something happens to us in space? You know, some people were just walking to their room and a hole gets blown through the corridor, they're sucked out into space and dead in seconds. Starfleet is risky Pavel, we need to think about these things. I'm serious about you."

"Of course something might happen, that's just space. But, you know, I'd rather spend the time with you, and have you and run that risk. I'd be ruined if you died Karu, you know that, but I'd want those memories to share with you before then than never have you at all."

Hikaru nods, the Russian has a very good point. Sulu wants nothing more than to wait a few months for him, but he has a bad gut feeling about the whole idea. He's scared something will go wrong and he's scared he'll lose or hurt Pavel. He doesn't know which option is worse.

The two talk for a long long time and Pavel questions if they've really gotten anywhere. It's late at night and Pavel's leaning more and more towards Sulu.

"I'll wait for you," Sulu says quietly.

"Promise me?" Pavel asks gently, looking up at Sulu.

"I promise," he says gently. Pavel leans his hair on Sulu's shoulder and smiles.

"Thank you."

Sulu runs his fingers through Pavel's springy curls and leans back. Everything feels real for once and Pavel is smiling so hard it hurts his cheeks as he falls asleep on Sulu's shoulder. Sulu lets Pavel stay there for a while and he just listens as the Russian's chest slowly rises and falls. He wakes him up gently after a while and Pavel's smiling as he agrees to go finally go to bed. Sulu stands up and pulls the Russian to his feet. Pavel stumbles (somewhat on purpose) into his arms and Sulu just holds him.

"Not long okay?" Sulu urges.

"Mmmm-kay," the Russian mumbles sleepily.

Pavel hates waiting. Sulu is very strict on how much affection he can give and receive from Pavel. They've agreed on nothing in public but it's those moments when they're both on Pavel's bed solving Rubik's cubes or alone in Sulu's kitchen when they both suffer from not being able to just stop and kiss slowly or hold each other. McCoy checks on them frequently and Scotty has agreed to keep an eye on them. They hate being monitored but they just keep having to remind each other that Pavel's birthday is only a few more months away.

It's the end of the year and everyone is leaving Starfleet for their break. Pavel thinks about going home to Russia but being back with his father, grandmother and aunt doesn't really appeal to him. His grandmother has dementia and barely remembers Pavel. His father and aunt just argue constantly and it's tiresome being around them. Sulu offers to stay at Starfleet with him if he decides not to go back. Pavel appreciates the offer but really feels like he should return home. He hugs Sulu goodbye gently at the transporter bay and as Sulu mouths 'stay safe' as yellow lights start to swirl around Pavel. Pavel smiles and nods as he slowly disappears. He doesn't like being beamed by the transporter but it's cheaper and faster than shuttle craft or any other mode of transport.

Russia is freezing when Pavel gets there and he swore it has gotten much colder since he left. His house is covered in snow and as he trudges up towards the door with his suitcase behind him he sighs and hesitates a little before knocking. He questions if he's doing the right thing and knocks on the door anyway.

His aunt is the first one to open the door and holds him tightly, muttering in Russian about how much he has grown. Pavel's finally taller than her and he realises how much time has really passed since he's been home. His father is there waiting and he hugs Pavel, saying it's good to see him again. His grandmother is sitting on the couch, knitting something and Pavel comes over to give her a hug. He can tell she doesn't remember him and he tries not to be upset by it. He knows it's not her fault but it's hard seeing her like this.

Pavel's grateful for how warm it inside and he messages Sulu, telling him that he got there safely. He likes being back in his old room. He had mapped out some constellations on the ceiling when he was about nine, and despite the fact, they're all faded he can still picture them clearly. There are posters all over his room, blueprints, star charts and a few Starfleet posters. There's even a small poster of a band he liked a few years ago and he wonders why he never bothered redecorating. His bed is neatly made, just as he'd probably left it last time he'd left it. There's a small projector for the wall where he'd display stuff from his PADD. He would watch movies occasionally or use the large space for working through maths equations.

He video-calls Sulu and puts it on the projector for the sake of it. Sulu insists Pavel gives him a room tour and the Russian reluctantly obliges. Sulu grins at how dorky and how typically Pavel the room is. Pavel frowns in mock hurt as Sulu laughs but can't help breaking out into a grin. Sulu is staying at Starfleet for a few more days and then going over to Japan with his parents to have a big family Christmas with his grandparents and siblings. They've been planning this Christmas for ages now and Sulu's looking forward to it.

Pavel is back home for three days and he can already feel himself going stir crazy. His father and aunt just fight over the smallest things and his grandmother keeps asking him why he's there. At one stage he answers, 'I'm asking myself the same question,' and gets a lecture from his father. He messages Sulu in the hopes he can provide an intelligent conversation of sorts.

'You should come to Japan with me,' he writes. Pavel doesn't know if he's kidding or not. The idea appeals so much but he doesn't know how he'd go meeting Sulu's family.

'I'd love to so much,' Pavel responds. Hikaru can take it how he wants but the Russian can't help but wish for an invitation.

'Come then. I can pick you up. You can spend Christmas with us.'

Pavel blinks at the screen. 'Wait, really? I thought you were joking.'

'I'm completely serious.'

Pavel grins and starts shoving his things back into his bag. He can go to Japan for a while and make it back in time for Christmas in Russian on January 7th. He's never been to Japan and the idea of spending the holidays with Sulu appeals more than he could possibly imagine.

'See you in a few hours?'

'See you then.'


	31. Chapter 31

Chapter 31

Pavel speaks no Japanese and Sulu finds it easier to just attach a universal translator to his collar than interpret everything for him. Sulu's Japanese is pretty basic, especially compared to his siblings but the universal translator still picks it up. Pavel takes the opportunity to speak in Russian and have the translator convert it instead. Sulu's family is super nice and his sisters enjoy paying Sulu out.

When the universal translator is in Pavel's ear, he can hear everything. He swears every member of his family has asked if the two of them were dating and at a few of the older members have asked why Pavel is so young. He blushes and when Sulu asks him what the translator picks up he submissively says not much unless it's loud enough.

Pavel is teaching one of Sulu's younger cousins how to solve a Rubik's cube and in return, the younger cousin teaches Pavel how to make a crane out of origami paper. Sulu watches from the dining table and smiles to himself.

"You're a couple aren't you?" Aiko, Sulu's eldest sister asks.

Hikaru glares at her and sighs. "No, and not so loud okay? It's complicated."

"Explain it then," she mutters adamantly.

"He's seventeen." Hikaru starts. Aiko gives him a look and Hikaru rolls his eyes in return. "Starfleet regulation won't let me date him until he's eighteen because he's a minor, so we're just waiting until then."

Aiko bites the inside of her lip. "Karu, this mightn't be the best idea. He's so young, I would have fallen in love with anyone who showed any interest at me… I don't want you to get hurt."

"I get enough of this crap from everyone else Aiko. It would be nice if at someone actually supported this."

Aiko frowns, "I didn't mean it like that. I just don't want you or him to get hurt. You're his first love I'm guessing?"

Hikaru nods. Aiko doesn't need to say anything else. They both watch Pavel fold a reasonably substandard crane from across the room and he holds it up and looks in Hikaru's direction, grinning. He grins back and Aiko studies the two of them. She hasn't seen that light in her brother's eyes in a while.

Pavel offers to help in some broken Japanese that Hikaru taught him. He has a good memory but he can barely pronounce English let alone Japanese. Hikaru's mother insists he shouldn't cook but Pavel eventually ends up peeling some vegetables with Hikaru. Hikaru makes a few jokes about Pavel's cooking skills (or lack thereof) and about the time he tried to cook scrambled eggs and set the smoke alarm off. Pavel takes the opportunity to remind Hikaru of when he spilt oil on himself. His mother and grandmother also listening from the kitchen laugh and Pavel grins. He's never felt more at home and more like part of a family before.

That night Pavel is too full to move and he's sleepy after playing video games with Hikaru and all his younger cousins.

Hikaru's mother says something directed at Pavel and he looks at her and he quickly checks the translator in his ear. It just beeps loudly, signalling that the battery has run out. He looks at Hikaru's mother lost for words. Hikaru is in the bathroom and Pavel has no idea what is going on.

"Sleep?" Hikaru's mother tries.

"Sleep? Now? Should I go to bed or?"

"Sleep with Hikaru?"

Pavel blinks. "I'm sorry?"

Hikaru comes out of the bathroom and looks at the two of them standing there confused.

"What's happening?" He asks quietly.

"Apparently I'm sleeping with you," Pavel guesses, completely unsure.

Hikaru's mother elaborate in Japanese and Hikaru nods, laughing.

"Well yeah kinda, but in the literal sense. There's only one bed, so we're going to have to share. You okay with that?"

"Yeah, of course," Pavel says, trying not to sound awkward or too hopeful. The idea of lying beside Hikaru, all warm together appeals so much. "I'm happy to sleep on a couch or something," he says, trying to be polite.

"No, don't be silly," Hikaru laughs. He thanks his mother and takes Pavel upstairs into the small bedroom.

Pavel plugs the translator in and his PADD while Hikaru gets changed on the other side of the room. Pavel is so tempted to turn around and watch but he doesn't.

"Better get to sleep. We've got lots planned for tomorrow."

"We do?" Pavel asks, smiling to himself as the springs in the bed click with Hikaru's weight.

"Lots of tourist-y stuff," he yawns.

"I'm really looking forward to it," Pavel says truthfully, removing his shirt. Sulu watches the bones and muscles in the Russian's back move as he slips another shirt on.

"Lights 0%" Pavel mutters as he removes his jeans. Sulu frowns, considering turning the lights back on. Pavel normally sleeps in just jocks or boxers, and he's about to slip a pair of track pants on before deciding against it. He looks dorky in track pants, and Sulu is grateful for the one less article of clothing. The Russian climbs into bed and pulls the warm covers over him.

"I really like it here," Pavel says quietly. "Thank you for having me. Russia was as miserable as I remember it." He suddenly feels like he's oversharing but Sulu doesn't seem bothered by it.

"I really like having you here, and so does my family. You're staying till Christmas right?"

"Yeah. I don't have to go back until January seventh."

"Pavel, you have to stay till New Year. New Year in Japan is amazing. Oshogatsu is just…"

"What is sorry?"

"Oshogatsu, New Year's. You're staying till then at least."

Pavel yawns sleeping in agreement. "I will."

"Good, but for now we should sleep."

"Goodnight Karu."

"Goodnight Pav."


	32. Chapter 32

Chapter Thirty-Two

It's Hikaru that wakes up first in the morning and he's freaking out a little when he realises Pavel is in his arms. This is what they should be avoiding until February. Pavel seems so peaceful in his sleep. His curls are falling in his eyes and his hair is an absolute mess. Sulu can feel himself poking through the blanket and as much as he wants to stay where he is, he gets up.

Pavel feels so warm when he wakes up. He knows he's been cuddling up with Sulu, he did that completely on purpose and he can hear the tap running in the bathroom. He's also poking through the blankets but he doesn't care because he's warm and happy. He lies face down and falls back asleep, hoping Sulu will return and hold him.

Sulu sits on the bed and reads a while as Pavel keeps sleeping. The Russian is only half asleep but he likes just being there. Hikaru can see his morning wood through the blanket and it turns him on a little.

"Good morning," the Russian mumbles sleepily.

"Sleep well?"

"Yes wery," he mutters. Pavel's accent is super prominent when he's not conscious of it. Hikaru grins in response as Pavel stretches his body. He mutters something in Russian and the universal translator from across the room beeps.

 _Shit_

"I am so hard right now," the translator says.

"Shit," Pavel says gently. Hikaru bursts out laughing and the embarrassed Russian retreats into the bathroom.

They go downstairs together and Pavel is mildly surprised to be eating rice and thin slices of beef for breakfast. Pavel still feels like things are awkward between them but Hikaru finds the whole incident funny and even a little arousing.

Hikaru pretends like he knows the surrounding streets of where he lives, but he has little clue. Pavel tries to interpret a map on a billboard but it's in Japanese and he can't really tell what anything around him is. He pulls out his PADD and starts using it to find their location. Hikaru rolls his eyes and Pavel argues that he could have gotten them there, but they both know he couldn't have.

They end up in a temple in central Asakusa and Pavel eyes are wide looking at the giant red lantern in front of him. It's just like Hikaru remembers it and he grins at the Russian's contagious enthusiasm.

"What does it say?"

"What does what say?"

"The lantern. What does the Japanese say?"

"Thunder gate. I think…."

Pavel raises an eyebrow. "You can't read your own language?"

"Japanese was never really my language. I learnt English first and went to school in America. My Japanese has never been that good, I did point that out to you."

Pavel grins in response. "I didn't think it was this bad though," he teases.

Sulu frowns at him in mock anger and pokes Pavel's side.

There's a melon bread shop on one of the side streets near the temple and Hikaru insists they have some. Hikaru swears that they sell the best 'meron pan,' as he calls it, in the whole country. When Pavel taste the giant piece of bread he thinks Sulu is certainly right. Hikaru orders a bowl of grape kakigoori as well, which Pavel discovers is basically a snow cone. Hikaru grins as Pavel eats happily and even tries to feed some to him. Hikaru knows he shouldn't but happily obliges for the smiling Russian.

Pavel loves Japan. He's so full of life and travelling around with Sulu and getting his undivided attention. They get on a train at peak hour and get pushed up tightly against each other. Sulu is trying his best not to get aroused when Pavel is pressed completely against him. Pavel looks up and smiles gently at Hikaru. He returns the smile and tries not to break out in a grin. He never thought he'd be in a situation where he's pressed up tightly against another man he loves in the middle of a crowded train.

The two sleep soundly again that night, tired from walking around and eating so much. Pavel waits until he thinks Sulu's asleep and starts cuddling up to him.

"I'm still awake Pavel," Sulu mumbles sleepily.

"I know," he returns cheekily, holding Hikaru a little tighter.

"We really shouldn't," Hikaru mumbles sleepy. Pavel groans unhappily and just hold Hikaru tighter.

"You're warm," he mutters in gently protest.

"So are you. You're like a hot water bottle."

"I'll stay then."

Sulu thinks of protesting but his will power is non-existent with Pavel holding him like this. He's too warm and content.

Pavel wakes up first the next morning, hoping to avoid a similar occurrence to the previous morning. Sulu has his arm around him and Pavel's body gently falls and rises with the sleeping Asian's chest. Pavel pulls Sulu's arm tighter around him and listens to his breathing pattern for a while. He remembers watching Sulu's heart rate on his monitor as he fell off the drill. It went from 78 beats per minute to 124 in a matter of seconds.

 _'_ _You were the first person I saw when I realised I hadn't died.'_

Those were probably the most important words anyone had ever said to him. Knowing he saved Sulu was the best feeling Pavel had ever gotten. It didn't last too long, but it was still a big thing for him.

Sulu mumbles a little and readjusts himself, still dazed and sleepy. He turns to face Pavel and presses his face gently into the Russian's hair. Normally Pavel hates people touching or going near his hair but Sulu doing it is blissful.

In his sleepy state Sulu mutters and the translator across the room beeps and says, "It's so fluffy." He chuckles a little and lets Sulu run his hand through Pavel's hair. He curls his fingers around each spring and Pavel bites his lip to stop from moaning a little. He really likes having his hair played with.

Pavel is dressed and ready by the time Sulu wakes up.

"I had a dream that I was patting a sheep," Sulu says gently, rubbing his eyes.

Pavel bursts out laughing and Sulu sits there, confused.

"I think you really like my hair, Hikaru."

His cheeks quickly redden. "I'm so sorry, I didn't realise I'd-"

Pavel cuts him off. "No, no don't worry. I really… I really enjoyed it too," he laughs awkwardly. Sulu grins and ruffles Pavel's hair in one hand as he stands up.

"I honestly thought you were a sheep."


	33. Chapter 33

Hikaru gets tired of being beating by small children and one particularly skilled Russian on video games and joins his sister in the kitchen.

"Mariko, when did I get so bad at video games? I used to be so good at them and now I'm getting beaten by kids."

"The Russian isn't that young," she mutters, placing strawberries carefully on top of a cake.

"I didn't mean him. He's not that young."

"If he was normal he'd be in his final year of high school, he wouldn't have even graduated yet."

"Yeah but he's not normal. Not that anyone comments excessively on it. I get it, he a few years younger than me. It doesn't make a huge difference really."

Mariko raises an eyebrow. She was always a lot more critical than Aiko was. She's a year and a half younger than Hikaru but acts like she's twice he's age.

"Maybe you can't see it because you're too blinded by your own self-absorption but he's just a kid. Just because he's a genius doesn't change anything. You need to be looking after him by not trying to get in his pants."

"Self-absorption? Get in his pants? This is big talk coming from someone who had dated half the school before she left."

"I did not," Mariko replies stubbornly. "I dated less than ten guys, but at least none of them were in fucking primary school."

Hikaru bites his lip in frustration as Mariko leaves the kitchen, giving him a death stare. He wants to throw something against the wall but with his family in close proximity he decides against it. His younger cousins gang up on Pavel and try and cover his eyes and climb on him as he tries to continue with the video game.

They end up beating him by unfair advantage and Hikaru smiles at them from the other side of the room. The kids love Pavel and he gets along with them really well despite the language barrier.

Hikaru teaches Pavel 'Jan Ken Pon,' the Japanese version of scissors paper rock and they play against the kids and even Hikaru's grandmother and grandfather join in. Pavel helps with dinner again and has honestly never felt more like part of a family in his life. Hikaru spends a lot of time just observing his friend, enjoying seeing the happier, more Pavel-like side of him. He feels that this what Pavel is really like, what he is in his truest form.

Pavel cuddles up to Hikaru at the end of the day again and for once there is no protesting. The sleepy Russian is surprised by this and accepts it without question. Hikaru is warm and Pavel has never felt so content with his life than the few moment he's in Hikaru's arms.

In the morning Hikaru plans to talk to Pavel about how they shouldn't be cuddling but seeing how happy the Russian is in the morning when he wakes up, he puts it off until after they've both showered.

"Hey, can we talk?" Hikaru's voice is reasonably quiet and Pavel nods as he finishes brushing his teeth.

"What about?" he asks, looking at his reflection in the mirror. His beard is starting to grow back and he might have to shave it soon.

"Just at night time. We probably shouldn't be cuddling. I know it's nice and we both really like it but we're not meant to and it's going to make waiting until February harder."

Pavel rolls his eyes and turns the lights off in the bathroom. "It's nothing that bad Hikaru and no one knows. We're safe in here okay?"

"We can't be too careful though. We're probably going to be tempted enough as it is before February…"

Pavel nods in agreement. "I get what you mean but I don't really want to stop."

"Nor do I."

"We won't then."

The next few days pass by in a blur of train rides, tourist spots and ridiculous amounts of food. More of Sulu's extended family arrive and in the few days to Christmas Pavel realises he should probably do some Christmas shopping. He drags Hikaru back into the streets of Tokyo and gets some advice on what he can get for Sulu's family. He's gotten the kids a copy of a game he used to play in Russia as a child. It may be a little old fashioned but he thinks they'll like it. He hasn't figured out something to get Hikaru yet, but he wants it to be wonderful.

After going through all of Tokyo station twice, the two of them finally return home with more shopping than they possibly could have imagined. Pavel finally has an idea of what to get Hikaru but he needs a little help from Aiko to do so. Hikaru falls asleep on the lounge after dinner and the two of them go back out into the streets together.

There's a plant shop near one of the restaurants they ate at and Pavel finds an incredibly pretty alien plant with exotic red and white leaves. It has purple flowers that only come out at night and Aiko promises to keep it safe in her room until Christmas. He doesn't know whether Hikaru will be a big plant person, but he feels it may suit his personality.

Pavel is listening to music and working on his seven by seven cube when there's a knock at the door. Before he has a chance to call out it opens and Mariko walks in.

Pavel starts taking his headphones off and is about to say hi but Mariko cuts him off again.

"What do you want with my brother?"

"Pardon?" he stammers, a little in shock. He hasn't talked to Mariko much because he's had a vibe that she didn't really like him but with the look she's giving him, he can pretty much confirm it.

"What do you want with my brother? Are you trying to get him in trouble or something?"

"No, not at all," he says sitting up and putting the cube down. I really like your brother, he's my closest friend and-"

"But that's not all obviously. Don't think I'm stupid Chekov."

"I don't, and at this point in time we are just friends."

Mariko narrows her eyes a little and sits on the edge of the bed. "Look, I don't know why you're going after him frankly. He's like twice your age. You could date a twelve year old and there would be less of an age gap."

"Does age really matter?" Pavel says quietly, he knows it's going to make things worse but he's getting irritated quickly.

"Does age matter?" Mariko scoffs.

"I don't know about you," Pavel begins, "but what's important to me is who the person is that I'm interested in. I don't care about age or race or species or anything."

Mariko is silent for a few seconds. "I think you're just trying to find reasons to justify the fact that you-"

"Mariko!" Hikaru is standing in the doorway and glaring daggers at his sister. He continues in Japanese and Mariko makes some kind of hurtful remark to him. Hikaru waits till she leaves and closes the door, sighing heavily as it closes.

"What did she say to you?" He asks gently, coming and sitting next to the Russian.

Pavel's eyes start to get cloudy and he doesn't want to talk. He thinks it's an anxiety thing but he's not sure and he suddenly doesn't feel very welcome in this house. He feels cold and alone and Hikaru looks at him expectantly for an answer.

"She's not happy that I'm so much younger than you," he mutters, lying back down and looking at the ceiling. There's a few glow in the dark stars from when Hikaru was a kid and they remind him of simpler times.

"I'm really sorry about her. She thinks she's protecting me but she's just being pushy. I'm sorry she upset you."

Pavel tries to blink the tears forming in his eyes away.

"I know she's probably not making you feel very welcome here, but no one else objects to us. I've talked to everyone, and they approve. I hope that gives you some kind of peace of mind. We really love having you around here."

"I love being here," Pavel mutters quietly. "A lot. I've felt more at home here than I have anywhere else."

"Even the Enterprise?"

'"Even the Enterprise."

Hikaru lies down beside Pavel and tries to give him a hug. "We'll be alright okay? I have faith in us."

"So do I," Pavel says honestly.

Mariko apologies to Pavel but he can tell she still has a strong disrespect for him. He tries to see past it for Hikaru's sake. It's Christmas Eve and Pavel's helping put the Christmas tree up. He lifts Hikaru's youngest cousin onto his shoulders and helps her put the star on the tree. Hikaru grins at the two and Mariko scowls from across the room. She starts drinking some sake in hopes that she'll be able to loosen up a little.

Pavel cuddles up to Sulu extra tightly on Christmas Eve. Pavel is the small spoon and Hikaru wraps his arms around him gently.

"Merry Christmas, Hikaru."

"Merry Christmas Pavel," he mutters sleepily, placing a soft kiss against his neck. Pavel breaks out into a grin and gently brushes over the skin on his neck.


End file.
